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Many people...

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don't like the idea

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that monsters really do exist.

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Monsters are made of stories, aren't they?

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They're the boogeyman on the bed,

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the thing in the dark that comes
and takes away naughty children.

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If they don't go to bed
on time and fall asleep.

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They're conjured up for an
exciting story around the campfire,

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but they don't really exist.

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Werewolves and vampires
and all of those things.

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But actually, monsters do.
And they're in human form.

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They're us...

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My name is Sam Vaknin.

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In 1995, I established the first website

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about Narcissism, pathological Narcissism.

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I established the first six
support groups for victims of

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narcissistic abuse.
Narcissistic abuse is a phrase

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that I coined in 1995.

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I published academic papers and
I teach in various universities.

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I had written and published
a book, Malignant Self-love

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Narcissism Revisited.

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It's in its 10th edition right now.

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In this sense, if you wish,
I´m the grandfather of the whole thing.

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Ironically, I'm a narcissist,

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so I'm coping daily with my disorder.

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It's an all-pervasive cancer of the soul if you wish.

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I think there had been a phase in my life
where I had been a malignant narcissist,

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which is an antiquated name for what we
call today's psychopathic narcissist.

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I was very rich. I had a private jet

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I was a vain twentysomething.

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I bought a bank,

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and then I hyped the shares of the bank.

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And that's, of course, criminal.

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So I went to prison.

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Having emerged from there,
I decided to attempt a transformation.

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I started to focus on educating

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victims of narcissistic abuse.

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But I've been acting
effectively as a healer.

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I feel that I am accomplishing things.

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I feel that I am making a difference.

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Would I have been able to be the good

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guy? Had I not been the bad guy?

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I don't think so.

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I think the bad guy was
training for being the good guy.

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Maybe there's a moral in there.

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Some lesson.

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In the world we live in now,

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Narcissism, Narcissistic personality,

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is incentivized.

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It's rewarded.

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The messages, especially
to the young generation.

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If you are a narcissist,

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you're going to end up on top.

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You're going to end up rich

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and famous and powerful.

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They can help you get dates.

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It can help you get elected.

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It can help people like
you when they meet you.

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Narcissistic people make more money.

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Narcissistic people are more likely
to be in leadership positions.

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Narcissistic people are
actually more likely to get

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the romantic partners they want.

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So they're kind of winning.

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Narcissism is invading everything.

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World leaders, corporate leaders,

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celebrity leaders,
healthcare professionals,

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therapists. Pick an area.

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Politics, show business,

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mass media, the family unit,

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the community, the church,

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you name it.

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It's everywhere.

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My name is Isla Traquair

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and I've been a journalist
since I was 16 years old,

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specializing in crime.

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Hello and welcome. I'm Isla Traquair.

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Police say they are not yet
scaling back the search.

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I have a number one podcast.

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I'm well known as a true crime journalist.

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I've worked all over the world,

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and I've confronted quite a few killers.

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Mr. Hardison, answer the question.

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Did you kill your ex-boyfriend, Paige?

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I'd say I've encountered

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a higher-than-average number
of narcissists in my life.

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But this case I'm investigating currently

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is a little more unusual.
It's not a killer, per se.

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His victims are alive,

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but they've been completely annihilated.

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He's abusing them mentally and physically.

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And I think he's the most
dangerous kind of narcissist.

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I've got to try and stop this man

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from hurting more women.

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And I'm not sure how he would react when

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or if the penny would drop.

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Will he maintain the facade?

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Or will he break down and lash out?

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I don't know.

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Narcissism is a personality
style characterized

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by a consistent lack of empathy,

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entitlement, grandiosity, arrogance.

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This sort of inflated ego,

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sense of self-importance,

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sense of entitlement.

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I'm better than you. I'm superior to you.

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They have this excessive
need for admiration

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and to be liked and adored.

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A tendency to break into rage.

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They're not about respect and compassion

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and long-term consistency,

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but rather they tend to
be a flash in the pan,

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and exist for the narcissistic
person's own pleasure

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or short-term interest.

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That kind of boils down
to somebody is an asshole.

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Hello, my name is H.G. Tudor.

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I'm a diagnosed narcissistic psychopath.

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I operate through a pseudonym

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which is H.G. Tudor,
but I do so to avoid complication

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with my private and professional life,

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which enables me to function in
an unfettered fashion so that

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I can tell people all about the
world view of me and my kind,

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and explain all of the behaviors

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so people are better
able to understand it.

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Why give away the secrets
of my kind to the world?

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Quite simply, it enables
me to control people.

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It draws fuel to me,
and it's part of that legacy.

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It's not going to cause a
problem for me. Many people say,

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H.G. why are you giving
all this information away

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isn't going to make it harder
for you to get victims.

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Answer. No. I am very
skilled at what I do.

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I was subject to physical, emotional,
and sexual abuse as a child.

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The chief antagonists were my mother,

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my uncle, and my auntie.

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But I soon learned that by mimicking

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much of the things that they did,

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I could inflict that on other people.

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A lot of narcissistic people's
backstories are painful.

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They're traumatic, they're neglectful.
They're abusive. They're lonely.

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They were not well-parented.
And so for the narcissistic person,

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their entire life

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is a singular mission

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to ensure that they create
a fortress around themselves

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so that stuff can stay forever buried.

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And what better way to do that than money?

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Power? Being attractive?

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Being famous?

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Things that make you seem
like a superhero to the world.

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Narcissism really is

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a maladaptive pattern

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of self-loathing.

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And, starting at age four
and for the next 12 years,

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I had been physically abused in

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life-threatening ways on a daily basis,
using instruments and implements,

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and ended in blood all the time.

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Enduring this, there was
psychological and verbal abuse.

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How could I defend against
a murderous mother?

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I packed a small backpack,

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and I ran away from home,

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and I knocked on doors and I said,
would you like to adopt me?

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But no one would.

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While many narcissistic people

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do have a history of childhood abuse,

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trauma, or neglect, that's not an excuse

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because a far greater proportion of people

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who experienced those adverse
conditions in childhood do

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not go on to engage in
narcissistic behavior

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and harmful behavior towards other people.

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My name is Richard Grannon.

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I am a psychologist, and I help people

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protect themselves against
psychological predators.

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At the moment, I work out
of the city of Liverpool

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and all around Europe.

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I was raised in an environment
which I would charitably

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say was not an easy environment

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for a child to feel safe in.

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It was emotional, psychological,
physical and sexual abuse.

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My father is, he's an abusive man.

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I mean, he's a he's a sick
man, criminal psychopath.

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And he went to prison
for abusing his children.

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Around the age of 21, I was going
to join the Army as an officer,

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and before the final test,
which was the RCP,

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I was out in a club.

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It was a gay club. I went to,
with my mates and their girlfriends,

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and a guy headbutted me and hit me in the
side of my eye with a glass for being gay.

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Which I am not.

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But he went in there
specifically to do that.

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I couldn't conceptualize
that somebody in cold blood

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would think to go out and
to harm someone in that way.

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I knew in theory that it existed,

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but I was shocked to be
confronted with it so directly.

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As a result of that experience,

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I became very interested in
trying to answer the question,

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what the fuck is wrong with people?

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I've never been applauded
on the way in before, Sam.

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They were not applauding you.
They are applauding me.

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Ladies and gentlemen,

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we have the pleasure of having Mr.
Sam Vaknin back with us again today.

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Thank you for having me, Richard.
My, my pleasure and your honor.

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I love working with Sam
and doing the talks with Sam.

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His insights are original,
and it's crystal clear.

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And it gets to the heart of the matter.

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We're going to be going through

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Doctor Professor Sam
Vaknin's more recent ideas.

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It will be game-changing.

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I do my best to avoid people,

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because I have pity on them.

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But Richard is in touch with them,

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so it's kind of my liaison
to the outside world.

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We are a great team together.

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I'll describe how,
how I hone in on a woman,

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a specific woman.

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Why do I choose one,

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or nine?

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One?

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Well, she bleeds.

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I'm a shark.

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I'm a predator.

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Yes. I have a map of you.

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Of you specifically.

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Right now.

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I have a map of all of you.

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So I know who

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is bleeding,

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who is broken,

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who is damaged,

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who is vulnerable,

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who is open to attack,

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who is open to intrusion,

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who is open to takeover,

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who is open to mind snatching,

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who is open to merging and fuzing with me,

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who is open to share my fantasy

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in the sense that she's willing,

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willing, craving

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to suspend reality,

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to suspend reality and go with me

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into the Twilight Zone,

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into the Netherlands of

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my mind,

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because my mind is very dark

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and to some extent dangerous place.

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And it takes a certain type.

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And so,

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when I scan for vulnerabilities,

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I divide the vulnerabilities
into two groups.

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There are those who are vulnerable,

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but seek healing,

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vulnerable,

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broken, damaged,

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traumatized, hurt.

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But they want to heal,

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and

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this is a very crucial insight.

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There are those of you

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who are hurting,

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in pain,

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bleeding,

260
00:12:56,166 --> 00:12:57,250
and you want war.

261
00:12:58,000 --> 00:12:59,625
You want more of the same.

262
00:13:00,500 --> 00:13:02,166
You want me to destroy you.

263
00:13:03,125 --> 00:13:04,500
Because you hate yourself,

264
00:13:05,083 --> 00:13:06,541
because you're self-destructive,

265
00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:08,333
because you're self-trashing,

266
00:13:08,833 --> 00:13:10,375
because you're self-punitive.

267
00:13:10,875 --> 00:13:13,708
I am your instrument of destruction.

268
00:13:13,708 --> 00:13:15,875
It's like suicide by Vaknin.

269
00:13:20,416 --> 00:13:21,875
So narcissism is a funny thing.

270
00:13:21,875 --> 00:13:23,541
A lot of people see it as black or white.

271
00:13:23,541 --> 00:13:25,791
Either are, or you aren't.
And it's not that simple.

272
00:13:25,791 --> 00:13:28,500
It really sits on a
spectrum or a continuum.

273
00:13:28,625 --> 00:13:30,041
At the lowest ends,

274
00:13:30,041 --> 00:13:32,333
we really have someone that may be

275
00:13:32,333 --> 00:13:34,125
really sort of interpersonally needy.

276
00:13:34,125 --> 00:13:35,458
They're very superficial.

277
00:13:35,458 --> 00:13:37,250
These are sort of social
media narcissists.

278
00:13:37,250 --> 00:13:39,791
These folks don't tend to be dangerous.

279
00:13:39,791 --> 00:13:41,666
They tend to be annoying.

280
00:13:43,666 --> 00:13:45,708
Most of us who are getting

281
00:13:45,708 --> 00:13:47,666
flummoxed by these
narcissistic relationships

282
00:13:47,666 --> 00:13:49,500
are dealing with the
mid-range narcissists.

283
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:54,500
It's actually a real problem.

284
00:13:54,500 --> 00:13:57,291
Their lack of empathy,
their entitlement, their

285
00:13:57,291 --> 00:13:59,750
arrogance, their need to dominate,

286
00:13:59,750 --> 00:14:02,250
it can make for very
problematic marriages,

287
00:14:02,250 --> 00:14:04,333
really problematic workplaces,

288
00:14:04,333 --> 00:14:05,916
very toxic friendships.

289
00:14:06,250 --> 00:14:09,000
Just enough good days to keep people in.

290
00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:11,750
Just enough bad days to
get other people sick.

291
00:14:13,250 --> 00:14:17,625
Now, at the far end of the spectrum,
the high, more severe end of it,

292
00:14:17,625 --> 00:14:20,916
now we're looking at what we
call malignant narcissism.

293
00:14:20,916 --> 00:14:23,916
We're getting into a space here
where it can be downright dangerous.

294
00:14:27,791 --> 00:14:30,125
This is where we see a
lot more manipulation.

295
00:14:30,125 --> 00:14:32,291
They're more exploitative.

296
00:14:32,291 --> 00:14:34,041
They're more menacing.

297
00:14:34,791 --> 00:14:37,166
Malignant narcissism kisses psychopathy.

298
00:14:37,166 --> 00:14:39,541
They're right next to each other.

299
00:14:39,541 --> 00:14:41,250
The difference, though, is that

300
00:14:41,250 --> 00:14:43,458
people who are psychopathic,

301
00:14:43,458 --> 00:14:45,375
there's no sense of remorse.

302
00:14:45,375 --> 00:14:49,041
So the malignant narcissist
is still putting on a mask.

303
00:14:49,625 --> 00:14:51,958
The psychopath doesn't need a mask.

304
00:14:58,416 --> 00:15:00,333
Narcissists target people.

305
00:15:00,333 --> 00:15:02,416
The way viruses target people.

306
00:15:02,833 --> 00:15:06,500
I infect you.
I cause your cells to replicate me.

307
00:15:06,750 --> 00:15:08,375
I take over your mind.

308
00:15:08,375 --> 00:15:10,291
And so that moment on your mind.

309
00:15:10,291 --> 00:15:11,541
My goals or your goals,

310
00:15:11,541 --> 00:15:13,000
my emotions or your emotions.

311
00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:15,666
We merged and fuzed.
We become one organism.

312
00:15:17,416 --> 00:15:19,375
I can become anyone.

313
00:15:19,791 --> 00:15:21,500
And I do become anyone.

314
00:15:21,500 --> 00:15:23,500
I'm a chameleon. I'm Zelig.

315
00:15:23,500 --> 00:15:25,833
And because I have this
capacity to become anyone

316
00:15:25,833 --> 00:15:27,000
at any time

317
00:15:27,250 --> 00:15:28,916
tailored to your

318
00:15:29,166 --> 00:15:30,791
menu, I'm irresistible to you.

319
00:15:31,291 --> 00:15:32,375
I am you.

320
00:15:42,541 --> 00:15:44,541
My name is Evan Rachel Wood,

321
00:15:44,541 --> 00:15:46,666
and I am an artist

322
00:15:46,666 --> 00:15:49,166
and an activist and a survivor.

323
00:15:50,250 --> 00:15:53,666
I grew up in Raleigh, North Carolina,

324
00:15:53,666 --> 00:15:56,375
in a very artistic community.

325
00:15:56,375 --> 00:15:58,666
I grew up in the theater community there,

326
00:15:58,666 --> 00:16:01,625
as can happen in artistic communities.

327
00:16:01,625 --> 00:16:04,166
I was also around a lot of narcissism

328
00:16:04,166 --> 00:16:06,166
and manipulation as a child.

329
00:16:06,166 --> 00:16:08,916
I think I internalized a lot of that

330
00:16:08,916 --> 00:16:10,208
to become a people pleaser

331
00:16:10,208 --> 00:16:12,166
as a way of protection.

332
00:16:12,541 --> 00:16:14,000
Looking back,

333
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:16,000
I can absolutely see

334
00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:19,541
how I was never really seen
very deeply as a child.

335
00:16:21,125 --> 00:16:22,583
Marilyn Manson.

336
00:16:22,583 --> 00:16:24,291
Also known as Brian Warner, is

337
00:16:24,291 --> 00:16:26,041
one of the

338
00:16:26,041 --> 00:16:29,416
most successful and well-known
figures in the history of rock.

339
00:16:29,416 --> 00:16:31,416
A man who needs no introduction,

340
00:16:31,416 --> 00:16:32,791
a platinum selling musician.

341
00:16:32,791 --> 00:16:35,458
Grammy nominated artist, top rock icon.

342
00:16:37,166 --> 00:16:38,916
On the night that we met,

343
00:16:38,916 --> 00:16:41,166
I was 18,

344
00:16:41,166 --> 00:16:44,833
and Brian Warner was 37.

345
00:16:45,375 --> 00:16:48,625
He really started in
right away with the like,

346
00:16:48,625 --> 00:16:51,000
nobody really sees you, do they?

347
00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:52,375
Like he saw that?

348
00:16:52,375 --> 00:16:53,250
He saw that.

349
00:16:53,250 --> 00:16:54,500
I felt that way.

350
00:16:54,500 --> 00:16:56,791
And I felt lonely and unseen.

351
00:16:56,791 --> 00:16:58,416
He really started to exploit that

352
00:16:58,416 --> 00:17:00,375
right away, immediately
saying things like, I

353
00:17:00,375 --> 00:17:02,750
love you and we're soulmates. And this

354
00:17:02,750 --> 00:17:04,500
is special. This is different.

355
00:17:04,500 --> 00:17:06,000
We're supposed to be together.

356
00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:08,125
I don't care what happens.
I don't care what people think.

357
00:17:08,125 --> 00:17:10,583
And he said

358
00:17:11,500 --> 00:17:13,125
you should move in with me, like,

359
00:17:13,916 --> 00:17:15,500
right away.

360
00:17:17,125 --> 00:17:21,125
Before the physical abuse began,

361
00:17:21,375 --> 00:17:23,166
I was already trapped.

362
00:17:23,166 --> 00:17:25,541
He was already controlling when I slept.

363
00:17:25,541 --> 00:17:28,375
And what I wore and when I ate.

364
00:17:28,708 --> 00:17:30,791
He would have his
assistants follow me around,

365
00:17:30,791 --> 00:17:32,583
and send him photos of what
I was doing, so he knew

366
00:17:32,583 --> 00:17:33,916
where I was.

367
00:17:33,916 --> 00:17:38,125
And then that sort of escalated
into the sleep deprivation. And then

368
00:17:38,125 --> 00:17:40,291
if I tried to sleep,

369
00:17:40,291 --> 00:17:42,375
he would make me do drugs to stay awake.

370
00:17:43,041 --> 00:17:45,333
And that's where things got
really, really, really dark.

371
00:17:48,250 --> 00:17:50,708
He made me kneel

372
00:17:51,250 --> 00:17:52,458
on a prayer kneeler

373
00:17:52,458 --> 00:17:54,041
in the prayer position

374
00:17:54,625 --> 00:17:55,750
and tied me up

375
00:17:56,625 --> 00:18:01,041
and beat me over and over with
a whip and electrocuted my body.

376
00:18:02,166 --> 00:18:04,000
He put me in front of a TV screen.

377
00:18:04,750 --> 00:18:06,916
Right? Well, this is happening.

378
00:18:06,916 --> 00:18:10,500
And on the TV screen in front
of me while I kneel down

379
00:18:11,791 --> 00:18:13,500
are violent images.

380
00:18:15,333 --> 00:18:18,041
It's a girl slitting her wrist.

381
00:18:18,041 --> 00:18:21,041
And I didn't understand why he
had put me in front of the screen.

382
00:18:21,041 --> 00:18:23,625
That was just projecting violence.

383
00:18:23,625 --> 00:18:26,000
While the violence is
being committed against me.

384
00:18:26,541 --> 00:18:29,791
And then later on, when I
was reading about cults,

385
00:18:29,791 --> 00:18:33,041
I read that it's a brainwashing technique.

386
00:18:33,041 --> 00:18:34,916
It's a tactic.

387
00:18:34,916 --> 00:18:38,875
It, it makes it harder to remember

388
00:18:40,375 --> 00:18:42,041
the assault.

389
00:18:48,875 --> 00:18:51,375
He was always abusing the
people around him in big ways

390
00:18:51,375 --> 00:18:53,750
and in small ways.

391
00:18:53,750 --> 00:18:56,916
And he would always say, you know,
they're dumb enough to fall

392
00:18:56,916 --> 00:18:58,583
for it. Then they deserve it.

393
00:18:59,333 --> 00:19:02,416
To leave and to admit
that the abuse was happening

394
00:19:02,416 --> 00:19:05,125
was to admit that I was stupid,

395
00:19:05,125 --> 00:19:06,583
and that was

396
00:19:07,458 --> 00:19:09,375
how he lured me in in the first place,

397
00:19:09,375 --> 00:19:11,250
was that I was really smart.

398
00:19:11,875 --> 00:19:13,166
Sorry.

399
00:19:13,166 --> 00:19:15,125
Just, I´ve literally
just put that together.

400
00:19:23,875 --> 00:19:27,666
So yeah, I think I just felt
really stupid, you know?

401
00:19:27,666 --> 00:19:29,833
I'm, like, really ashamed.

402
00:19:32,875 --> 00:19:35,041
So I don't want to tell anybody.

403
00:19:37,916 --> 00:19:39,833
So I didn't.

404
00:19:40,250 --> 00:19:41,833
For a really long time.

405
00:19:46,041 --> 00:19:48,708
Once upon a time, you take
a picture of the view,

406
00:19:48,708 --> 00:19:50,666
or you might ask somebody
to take your camera

407
00:19:50,666 --> 00:19:52,500
and take a picture of you
and your other half.

408
00:19:52,500 --> 00:19:56,500
What you didn't do was bombard
everybody with 100 photos of you

409
00:19:56,500 --> 00:19:59,500
looking like a duck with some
stupid look upon your face.

410
00:19:59,500 --> 00:20:02,500
Standing in front of every monument
and view that you've ever visited.

411
00:20:02,500 --> 00:20:05,541
That started from narcissists,

412
00:20:05,541 --> 00:20:08,333
and it harnesses that
narcissistic trait of vanity.

413
00:20:08,333 --> 00:20:12,666
So the platforms that have been
generated primarily through social media

414
00:20:12,666 --> 00:20:15,041
cater precisely to our kind

415
00:20:15,041 --> 00:20:17,916
by meaning that everybody
else embraces them,

416
00:20:17,916 --> 00:20:21,916
making it more acceptable for us,
the actual narcissists, to

417
00:20:21,916 --> 00:20:24,250
behave in a narcissistic fashion.

418
00:20:24,250 --> 00:20:25,875
But it's not seen as such.

419
00:20:30,875 --> 00:20:32,625
The younger generation
now is really facing

420
00:20:32,625 --> 00:20:34,416
a struggle

421
00:20:34,416 --> 00:20:36,250
with the construction of the false self.

422
00:20:36,250 --> 00:20:38,125
Children are being taught

423
00:20:38,125 --> 00:20:40,250
that your value is based on

424
00:20:40,250 --> 00:20:41,958
how many likes you have,

425
00:20:41,958 --> 00:20:43,708
how many followers you have,

426
00:20:43,708 --> 00:20:45,666
basically what you look

427
00:20:45,666 --> 00:20:48,166
like. My team is on social
media for winning the trophy.

428
00:20:48,166 --> 00:20:49,916
Where are you going on vacation?

429
00:20:49,916 --> 00:20:51,416
Look at me in my new dress.

430
00:20:51,416 --> 00:20:53,791
They're getting more and more likes
and more and more followers and Oh,

431
00:20:53,791 --> 00:20:57,083
I guess that's a good thing,
to be self-absorbed.

432
00:20:57,083 --> 00:21:01,250
Because of the overabundance
of narcissists on social media,

433
00:21:01,250 --> 00:21:05,125
when you open up your social media site
and look at it, you're going to say,

434
00:21:05,125 --> 00:21:07,541
my God, the world is
filled with narcissists.

435
00:21:07,541 --> 00:21:10,041
We live in a narcissistic hellhole.

436
00:21:10,041 --> 00:21:12,250
Look at these clowns. I can't believe it.

437
00:21:12,250 --> 00:21:15,291
And as you just doom scroll,
just watch the world burn.

438
00:21:22,666 --> 00:21:25,500
My name is Lee Hammock.
I am a self-aware narcissist.

439
00:21:25,500 --> 00:21:28,541
I have been clinically diagnosed with
narcissistic personality disorder.

440
00:21:30,541 --> 00:21:32,375
I feel my TikToks my
YouTube self out here.

441
00:21:32,375 --> 00:21:35,791
I just put up my backdrop right here
and set my lights up and just go.

442
00:21:35,791 --> 00:21:37,666
My YouTube is at 474,000.

443
00:21:37,666 --> 00:21:39,500
My Instagram is at 536

444
00:21:39,500 --> 00:21:40,750
right now. Where are we at?

445
00:21:40,750 --> 00:21:44,083
We have 1.9 million people on my
TikTok page, which is kind of crazy.

446
00:21:44,083 --> 00:21:45,250
I'm just like, what!?

447
00:21:47,083 --> 00:21:49,541
You absolutely, 100%, want to watch out

448
00:21:49,541 --> 00:21:50,958
if you hurt a narcissistic person,

449
00:21:50,958 --> 00:21:53,250
because vengeance is, like, sweet

450
00:21:53,250 --> 00:21:55,458
to most narcissistic
and toxic people as well.

451
00:21:55,458 --> 00:21:58,291
know people are going to say, you know,
like, how long does the vengeance last?

452
00:21:58,291 --> 00:22:00,291
There's absolutely no time limit

453
00:22:00,291 --> 00:22:02,250
on how long a narcissistic
will seek vengeance.

454
00:22:02,250 --> 00:22:03,041
Hope this helps.

455
00:22:07,166 --> 00:22:10,750
If I can imagine what made me a
narcissist, I would just say this:

456
00:22:10,750 --> 00:22:13,791
emotional neglect and, you know,

457
00:22:13,791 --> 00:22:15,916
pretty much abandonment
issues and things like that.

458
00:22:16,916 --> 00:22:19,750
My dad wasn't, you know, the dad you need.

459
00:22:19,750 --> 00:22:22,250
You know, we'd see him around
town and stuff like that.

460
00:22:22,250 --> 00:22:24,041
He was just, you know,
out there making babies

461
00:22:24,041 --> 00:22:26,625
and having other kids he wasn't
taking care of, you know,

462
00:22:27,291 --> 00:22:28,875
I always wonder why,

463
00:22:28,875 --> 00:22:30,708
no matter what I did, I wasn't good enough

464
00:22:30,708 --> 00:22:32,833
to get, you know,
approval from this person.

465
00:22:33,166 --> 00:22:34,875
I actually have a twin brother.

466
00:22:34,875 --> 00:22:37,375
Same household, same everything.
But he's not like me.

467
00:22:37,375 --> 00:22:39,000
I kind of shut down emotionally,

468
00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:41,083
but he's, you know,
this super emotional guy.

469
00:22:41,083 --> 00:22:43,166
He likes working with kids.
He's happy in what he does.

470
00:22:43,166 --> 00:22:46,125
I'm kind of jealous of his happiness.
Like, why are you happy?

471
00:22:50,416 --> 00:22:53,375
Good afternoon everybody. Happy Friday.

472
00:22:53,375 --> 00:22:58,000
I decided to become a teacher
because I wanted to make an impact.

473
00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:02,041
Remember, we talked about that breathing in
class. You are controlling your emotions.

474
00:23:02,041 --> 00:23:04,458
You guys are having too much fun,
and you forgot, right? Yeah! Yeah.

475
00:23:04,458 --> 00:23:05,458
It happens, it happens.

476
00:23:05,875 --> 00:23:07,958
I love making connections with them.

477
00:23:08,250 --> 00:23:09,166
This is my happy place.

478
00:23:17,791 --> 00:23:19,375
Not having my father around.

479
00:23:19,375 --> 00:23:23,458
At first I was like, well, why doesn't
my dad, like, want to be around us?

480
00:23:24,000 --> 00:23:28,708
But as I got older, I accepted it.
And became better for it.

481
00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:32,375
He didn't feel that love
from my dad, and I think

482
00:23:32,375 --> 00:23:35,083
that that still kind of
hangs over his head today.

483
00:23:35,666 --> 00:23:40,291
We've always been labeled as like
the nice one and he's the mean one.

484
00:23:41,625 --> 00:23:45,250
I'm a super optimistic person.
I'm always in a good mood.

485
00:23:45,250 --> 00:23:47,958
I always look at stuff in
like a positive fashion.

486
00:23:48,750 --> 00:23:50,333
Yeah, but.

487
00:23:57,250 --> 00:24:00,458
I feel like a deep connection
with wherever I'm at.

488
00:24:01,125 --> 00:24:04,416
Like now I feel connected
to the lake out here.

489
00:24:04,416 --> 00:24:07,875
I feel like it's calling out to me.
It's going, take a dive.

490
00:24:08,541 --> 00:24:11,166
But, you know, I kind of
try to get connected to

491
00:24:11,166 --> 00:24:13,583
wherever I'm at and just enjoy it.

492
00:24:15,250 --> 00:24:18,625
See, for me, this is like... I don't feel that.
I don't feel that I have time to connect.

493
00:24:18,625 --> 00:24:21,791
I see the lake and I'm just like,
I need a boat out here, you

494
00:24:21,791 --> 00:24:23,791
know, like, why don't
why don't I have a boat

495
00:24:23,791 --> 00:24:26,500
like, I don't feel like
stillness exists for me.

496
00:24:34,125 --> 00:24:39,250
I was surprised to learn over
the course of 25 years that

497
00:24:39,250 --> 00:24:42,875
the personality characteristics
I learned to treat in

498
00:24:42,875 --> 00:24:45,166
jails and prisons

499
00:24:45,166 --> 00:24:47,458
are actually becoming

500
00:24:47,458 --> 00:24:51,875
more common in corporate positions
or high-level politicians.

501
00:24:51,875 --> 00:24:54,166
That is very alarming to me

502
00:24:54,166 --> 00:24:57,791
and speaks to the level
of health in our society,

503
00:24:57,791 --> 00:25:02,000
because healthy societies would not
be attracted to these individuals.

504
00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:04,458
And in fact, 25 years
ago, they were mostly

505
00:25:04,458 --> 00:25:07,166
confined in jails and prisons

506
00:25:07,166 --> 00:25:11,083
or at least not admitted
to high-level leadership.

507
00:25:14,875 --> 00:25:18,375
Narcissism predicts leadership emergence.

508
00:25:18,375 --> 00:25:21,833
Narcissists want to lead because
leadership gives you power, status,

509
00:25:21,833 --> 00:25:24,875
attention and access to everything.
So it's great.

510
00:25:24,875 --> 00:25:26,416
And they're confident they can do it

511
00:25:26,416 --> 00:25:27,708
because they have the ego to think,

512
00:25:27,708 --> 00:25:30,000
yeah, I can run this thing
better than anybody else.

513
00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:31,250
And they act.

514
00:25:31,250 --> 00:25:32,500
They just go for it.

515
00:25:32,500 --> 00:25:35,500
They, interestingly,
are very socially perceptive,

516
00:25:35,500 --> 00:25:38,750
which can make them
extraordinary communicators.

517
00:25:38,750 --> 00:25:41,750
A lot of dictators and people
like Hitler, Mussolini,

518
00:25:41,750 --> 00:25:44,375
they knew how to control a crowd,

519
00:25:44,375 --> 00:25:47,000
people like Napoleon.
We look at Genghis Khan.

520
00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:51,000
Sadly, our history books are
populated far more with the story

521
00:25:51,000 --> 00:25:55,125
of narcissistic people than with
the good, kind, compassionate ones.

522
00:25:55,125 --> 00:25:57,083
Because narcissistic people

523
00:25:57,083 --> 00:26:00,375
always have and probably
always will make history.

524
00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:04,916
In order to get to the top,
you have to be made of our stuff.

525
00:26:04,916 --> 00:26:07,375
Politics, of course, is the
greatest example of that.

526
00:26:07,375 --> 00:26:11,375
It's such a viper's nest,
infested with kind to begin with,

527
00:26:11,375 --> 00:26:14,291
because that's where huge amounts of
power and access to residual benefits,

528
00:26:14,291 --> 00:26:15,791
such as networks, money's life,

529
00:26:15,791 --> 00:26:18,250
that it really draws my kind in.

530
00:26:21,500 --> 00:26:23,250
People look around and say,

531
00:26:23,250 --> 00:26:26,041
my God, we're ruled by
narcissists, psychopaths.

532
00:26:26,041 --> 00:26:27,125
How can it be?

533
00:26:27,125 --> 00:26:28,666
Well, we elected all of them.

534
00:26:29,916 --> 00:26:33,708
What they do is they find the most
disenfranchised in their midst,

535
00:26:33,708 --> 00:26:37,125
and they feed their
powerlessness by telling them,

536
00:26:37,125 --> 00:26:40,125
actually, you're powerful, and I love you.

537
00:26:40,125 --> 00:26:43,750
A lot of people see the
narcissist's cruelty

538
00:26:43,750 --> 00:26:45,583
as just tremendous conviction.

539
00:26:45,583 --> 00:26:49,583
And that message takes
the disenfranchised person

540
00:26:49,583 --> 00:26:52,875
and infuses in them a
completely unseeing faith

541
00:26:52,875 --> 00:26:55,625
in this narcissistic and abusive leader.

542
00:26:55,625 --> 00:26:59,750
If you live in a country governed by
a narcissist, your life is at risk.

543
00:26:59,750 --> 00:27:01,416
And if narcissists take over

544
00:27:01,416 --> 00:27:04,750
in every possible way,
the species is at risk.

545
00:27:05,375 --> 00:27:08,166
This is not restricted
to any political party,

546
00:27:08,166 --> 00:27:09,625
to any side of the aisle.

547
00:27:09,625 --> 00:27:12,583
This is endemic in leadership.

548
00:27:17,875 --> 00:27:21,250
Tell me what you've gone
through with this man?

549
00:27:21,250 --> 00:27:25,333
For seven years, I've been in connection

550
00:27:25,333 --> 00:27:28,083
with an extremely dangerous person

551
00:27:28,666 --> 00:27:31,666
who represented himself
to me as a therapist.

552
00:27:31,666 --> 00:27:35,166
What state would you say you were in
when you first had contact, and what

553
00:27:35,166 --> 00:27:38,500
was his prediction of what you needed?

554
00:27:38,791 --> 00:27:41,125
I was in a very bad state.

555
00:27:41,625 --> 00:27:44,625
I was in a major life crisis
and I was looking for help.

556
00:27:44,625 --> 00:27:49,416
And this first session
ended with his verdict.

557
00:27:49,625 --> 00:27:53,375
You're extremely ill. You're sick.

558
00:27:53,375 --> 00:27:54,500
You need help.

559
00:27:55,083 --> 00:27:56,750
If you want to heal,

560
00:27:56,750 --> 00:27:58,041
here I am.

561
00:27:58,333 --> 00:28:00,833
I will be your healer, your fixer.

562
00:28:00,833 --> 00:28:03,666
Lean your shoulder on me. I will help you.

563
00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:07,250
My therapy sessions were
happening very often.

564
00:28:07,250 --> 00:28:10,583
It started twice a week,
then three times a week,

565
00:28:10,583 --> 00:28:12,333
then four times a week.

566
00:28:12,791 --> 00:28:16,541
Looking back now, at the
so-called therapeutic process,

567
00:28:16,541 --> 00:28:19,666
I realize that it had never been therapy,

568
00:28:19,666 --> 00:28:23,333
but a bunch of brainwashing
mind-control techniques.

569
00:28:23,666 --> 00:28:27,458
He acted under false premises
because he's not a therapist

570
00:28:27,625 --> 00:28:30,500
at all. He doesn't have
any legitimate credentials.

571
00:28:30,500 --> 00:28:34,166
He extorted a lot of
financial means from me.

572
00:28:34,166 --> 00:28:37,458
I ended up paying him all my savings.

573
00:28:42,791 --> 00:28:45,666
I could never imagine
what was going to follow.

574
00:28:51,791 --> 00:28:55,250
Grandiose narcissism is
almost what I call sort of

575
00:28:55,250 --> 00:28:57,666
armchair textbook narcissism.

576
00:28:57,666 --> 00:29:02,250
Look at me, unempathic, jerky narcissist.

577
00:29:02,250 --> 00:29:03,750
That's grandiose narcissism.

578
00:29:03,750 --> 00:29:06,291
Grandiose narcissists are offensive.

579
00:29:06,291 --> 00:29:07,416
They know who they are.

580
00:29:07,416 --> 00:29:11,000
They just want you to see it
and check them out. And high-five.

581
00:29:11,000 --> 00:29:13,416
This is where you see your leaders,

582
00:29:13,416 --> 00:29:15,958
your politicians, your cult
leaders, all these folks.

583
00:29:15,958 --> 00:29:17,791
That's what people think.

584
00:29:17,791 --> 00:29:21,750
But that misses a big part of the
narcissism landscape. And that's

585
00:29:21,750 --> 00:29:25,250
something called vulnerable narcissism.

586
00:29:28,041 --> 00:29:30,666
Vulnerable narcissists often look at

587
00:29:30,666 --> 00:29:33,500
first blush as being sort
of socially unskilled.

588
00:29:33,500 --> 00:29:35,458
They definitely don't have that

589
00:29:35,458 --> 00:29:37,791
swagger and charisma of
the grandiose narcissist.

590
00:29:37,791 --> 00:29:40,000
You run into somebody vulnerable,

591
00:29:40,000 --> 00:29:43,166
and they're always hunting
for people looking down at me,

592
00:29:43,166 --> 00:29:47,250
or they're threatening me,
so they can get enraged easily.

593
00:29:47,250 --> 00:29:51,166
So there's a really brooding anger
to the vulnerable narcissist.

594
00:29:51,166 --> 00:29:54,166
You talk to somebody, you think they're a little
depressed, and all of a sudden you're like,

595
00:29:54,166 --> 00:29:55,625
whoa, there's an ego in there.

596
00:29:55,625 --> 00:29:57,375
I didn't know there's a huge ego in there.

597
00:29:57,375 --> 00:30:01,000
Both are toxic, grandiose, and vulnerable.

598
00:30:07,041 --> 00:30:08,875
Hi, my name is Sarah Crowson.

599
00:30:08,875 --> 00:30:11,333
I am a self-aware narcissist.

600
00:30:12,750 --> 00:30:14,250
Female narcissists

601
00:30:14,250 --> 00:30:15,750
are more covert

602
00:30:15,750 --> 00:30:18,750
because we're the damsel in distress.

603
00:30:19,166 --> 00:30:21,791
All men want to save us.

604
00:30:21,791 --> 00:30:24,125
You are so easy

605
00:30:24,125 --> 00:30:26,666
to manipulate. It's ridiculous.

606
00:30:27,708 --> 00:30:30,000
Oh, my tire needs changing.

607
00:30:30,000 --> 00:30:31,333
Will you change my tire?

608
00:30:33,041 --> 00:30:37,250
In my childhood, there
was no unconditional love.

609
00:30:37,250 --> 00:30:38,708
What the fuck is that?

610
00:30:39,500 --> 00:30:45,166
One thing that reminds me of this
is my sister and my favorite movie,

611
00:30:45,166 --> 00:30:46,250
Mommie Dearest.

612
00:30:47,000 --> 00:30:49,416
Yes, Mommie Dearest.

613
00:30:49,416 --> 00:30:52,208
Because we would watch that,
and we would get drunk

614
00:30:52,208 --> 00:30:56,000
and just laugh and laugh
because that was our mother.

615
00:30:57,166 --> 00:30:59,250
She would just beat the shit
out of me, and I didn't care.

616
00:31:03,125 --> 00:31:05,666
I started oil painting

617
00:31:05,666 --> 00:31:08,541
as a fuck you to my ex.

618
00:31:09,500 --> 00:31:13,666
I wanted the rest of the
world to give me kudos

619
00:31:13,666 --> 00:31:16,000
and stuff in him, see how good I am,

620
00:31:16,000 --> 00:31:17,500
and shit that's fucking stupid.

621
00:31:19,625 --> 00:31:22,083
I need to be admired

622
00:31:22,083 --> 00:31:24,083
for everything that I do,

623
00:31:24,833 --> 00:31:27,375
and if it looks like shit,

624
00:31:27,375 --> 00:31:29,625
I'm just going to throw it in the garbage.

625
00:31:30,250 --> 00:31:33,041
Yeah, so I have to be the best, and then

626
00:31:33,041 --> 00:31:35,458
I can post it for my likes.

627
00:31:38,500 --> 00:31:43,458
Being in a relationship
with somebody like me,

628
00:31:43,458 --> 00:31:46,250
I am being triggered all the fucking time.

629
00:31:47,000 --> 00:31:48,583
After being triggered,

630
00:31:48,583 --> 00:31:50,833
you are a threat and you

631
00:31:50,833 --> 00:31:52,958
have to be destroyed.

632
00:31:59,666 --> 00:32:02,458
Hi, I'm Barry Sonnenfeld,
or you don't want Hi.

633
00:32:02,458 --> 00:32:04,458
I'm Barry Sonnenfeld.

634
00:32:05,625 --> 00:32:06,291
Sorry.

635
00:32:07,416 --> 00:32:11,958
Hi, I'm Barry Sonnenfeld, I'm a film
director and producer and an author as well.

636
00:32:12,375 --> 00:32:15,541
I was the cinematographer
on Raising Arizona,

637
00:32:15,916 --> 00:32:19,625
Misery, Big, when Harry Met Sally,

638
00:32:19,625 --> 00:32:23,708
and I directed Addams Family,
Get Shorty, Men in Black,

639
00:32:23,708 --> 00:32:26,041
and RV with Robin Williams.

640
00:32:27,125 --> 00:32:28,958
A child needs to be loved.

641
00:32:29,541 --> 00:32:32,791
A child needs to be looked after.

642
00:32:33,333 --> 00:32:36,041
When you have two narcissistic parents,

643
00:32:36,041 --> 00:32:37,916
you're often put in danger.

644
00:32:37,916 --> 00:32:40,041
I mean, I was really put in danger

645
00:32:40,041 --> 00:32:43,000
because they cared more
about themselves than me.

646
00:32:47,500 --> 00:32:50,583
They both were very narcissistic,
very controlling.

647
00:32:51,250 --> 00:32:54,791
My mother's method was through depression.

648
00:32:54,791 --> 00:32:59,125
I was constantly being told
she would commit suicide.

649
00:32:59,500 --> 00:33:02,583
The first time, I was maybe five

650
00:33:02,583 --> 00:33:05,625
years old, my dad woke me up.
I was sound asleep.

651
00:33:05,625 --> 00:33:09,500
He said, go talk to your mother.
She wants to die.

652
00:33:10,041 --> 00:33:14,666
So I was forced to convince my
mother not to commit suicide.

653
00:33:14,916 --> 00:33:17,500
She kept saying, Barry,
I can't live any longer.

654
00:33:17,500 --> 00:33:19,375
I don't want to live any longer.

655
00:33:19,375 --> 00:33:22,541
So I went in and I got my coin collection,

656
00:33:22,541 --> 00:33:26,750
and I offered her my coins.
If she wouldn't kill herself.

657
00:33:27,625 --> 00:33:31,375
And she laughed and agreed
not to kill herself.

658
00:33:33,875 --> 00:33:35,375
Now there's dad.

659
00:33:35,375 --> 00:33:37,791
Sonny was a salesman,

660
00:33:37,791 --> 00:33:39,791
had multiple affairs.

661
00:33:40,000 --> 00:33:42,791
Dad didn't keep it a secret from my mother

662
00:33:42,791 --> 00:33:43,833
I guess.

663
00:33:43,833 --> 00:33:46,250
And, I'll tell you the

664
00:33:47,041 --> 00:33:49,000
difficult part of this story,

665
00:33:50,708 --> 00:33:53,375
because they had this
very unhappy marriage.

666
00:33:53,375 --> 00:33:56,000
My parents let

667
00:33:56,750 --> 00:33:58,958
her cousin Mike,

668
00:33:58,958 --> 00:34:01,666
who was a child molester,

669
00:34:01,666 --> 00:34:05,000
live with us in our apartment
in Washington Heights.

670
00:34:05,916 --> 00:34:08,583
And he molested myself.

671
00:34:09,375 --> 00:34:12,583
Two different kids had lived
in my apartment building,

672
00:34:12,583 --> 00:34:14,250
various cousins,

673
00:34:14,916 --> 00:34:16,791
of both sexes.

674
00:34:16,791 --> 00:34:20,166
As long as they were prepubescent,
Mike would have no problem,

675
00:34:21,208 --> 00:34:23,416
fondling girls as much as boys.

676
00:34:25,666 --> 00:34:29,083
It was so upsetting that
I went to see my father.

677
00:34:29,458 --> 00:34:30,750
So I said, dad,

678
00:34:31,458 --> 00:34:32,750
why did you let this happen?

679
00:34:32,750 --> 00:34:35,666
And dad said, you know, Barry,
there are three reasons,

680
00:34:36,416 --> 00:34:38,791
that was interesting, that he had three.

681
00:34:39,125 --> 00:34:44,125
He said, first of all, child
molestation didn't have the same stigma

682
00:34:44,125 --> 00:34:47,041
back then that it has now.

683
00:34:48,291 --> 00:34:50,625
Second of all, your mother was so upset

684
00:34:50,625 --> 00:34:53,250
because of all the affairs I was having

685
00:34:53,583 --> 00:34:58,000
that I thought having Mike
around would bring her happiness.

686
00:34:58,666 --> 00:35:03,000
And third of all, I never
thought Mike was molesting you.

687
00:35:03,000 --> 00:35:06,125
I only thought he was
playing with your penis.

688
00:35:13,125 --> 00:35:14,166
My name is Doug Buggle.

689
00:35:14,166 --> 00:35:15,875
I am 52 years old.

690
00:35:15,875 --> 00:35:17,250
I work in the power tool industry

691
00:35:17,250 --> 00:35:18,875
as a territory manager,

692
00:35:19,208 --> 00:35:20,625
and I have two children.

693
00:35:20,625 --> 00:35:24,166
I have a daughter who's 26 years old,
and I have a son who is 18.

694
00:35:25,125 --> 00:35:27,625
There are so many things
that I love about off-roading.

695
00:35:27,625 --> 00:35:30,625
You just get out here in the middle
of the desert or the mountains,

696
00:35:30,625 --> 00:35:35,708
and really, your challenge is to get
through these obstacles unscathed.

697
00:35:36,791 --> 00:35:39,208
I met Tammy in 2004.

698
00:35:39,208 --> 00:35:41,333
She was very pretty. She was very funny.

699
00:35:41,333 --> 00:35:42,666
She was very kind to me.

700
00:35:43,583 --> 00:35:44,083
But

701
00:35:44,750 --> 00:35:47,333
that was the fake persona
that she invented.

702
00:35:48,000 --> 00:35:51,500
I knew nothing of narcissism or

703
00:35:51,500 --> 00:35:53,291
narcissistic abuse for 12
years that we were married.

704
00:35:53,875 --> 00:35:55,291
None of it was real.

705
00:35:55,291 --> 00:35:57,250
The entire marriage was a sham.

706
00:36:02,541 --> 00:36:04,958
Love bombing is actually a hook.

707
00:36:04,958 --> 00:36:06,708
It's a dangerous hook.

708
00:36:06,875 --> 00:36:09,500
She doted on me.
She called me her Superman.

709
00:36:09,500 --> 00:36:12,500
She actually bought me Superman
logo floor mats for my Jeep.

710
00:36:12,500 --> 00:36:13,416
I could do no wrong.

711
00:36:14,375 --> 00:36:16,208
He started emailing and

712
00:36:16,208 --> 00:36:18,625
texting and painting me.

713
00:36:19,541 --> 00:36:22,083
I'm not going to do the normal thing

714
00:36:22,375 --> 00:36:24,625
of it's going to take time
to build trust and intimacy.

715
00:36:24,625 --> 00:36:28,125
The more you get to know me, because
I don't want you to get to know me.

716
00:36:28,416 --> 00:36:30,041
I just need you to

717
00:36:30,041 --> 00:36:32,000
fall hard,

718
00:36:32,000 --> 00:36:33,375
very quickly.

719
00:36:33,875 --> 00:36:36,541
You've been drawn into
something really intense.

720
00:36:36,541 --> 00:36:39,250
We never felt understood like this before.

721
00:36:39,250 --> 00:36:41,250
You feel this person is all in.

722
00:36:41,250 --> 00:36:44,375
It feels magical. When people
tell me "magical connection,"

723
00:36:44,375 --> 00:36:46,541
I'm usually like, "Run away."

724
00:36:50,208 --> 00:36:51,791
It's one of the first steps

725
00:36:51,791 --> 00:36:54,166
before the real insidious abuse can

726
00:36:54,166 --> 00:36:56,791
happen, because they need
you very much in love

727
00:36:57,416 --> 00:36:58,708
and then very much alone.

728
00:36:58,708 --> 00:37:01,208
Suddenly, your friends won't
be good enough for you.

729
00:37:01,208 --> 00:37:05,250
We might be talking about not
being allowed to visit your family,

730
00:37:05,250 --> 00:37:06,708
your parents.

731
00:37:06,916 --> 00:37:09,166
In 12 years, that we were married,

732
00:37:09,166 --> 00:37:11,916
my parents came over for
Thanksgiving one time.

733
00:37:11,916 --> 00:37:13,583
They'll find fault,

734
00:37:14,000 --> 00:37:16,666
and they won't act happy
when they're around them.

735
00:37:16,666 --> 00:37:18,041
She would complain about them.

736
00:37:18,041 --> 00:37:20,416
She would nitpick at everything they did.

737
00:37:20,416 --> 00:37:23,041
Little subtle,
sly comments here and there.

738
00:37:23,041 --> 00:37:25,666
They'll make them feel very uncomfortable.

739
00:37:25,666 --> 00:37:27,000
They're trying to get rid of them.

740
00:37:27,000 --> 00:37:29,166
My dad said, "You know what, Doug?"

741
00:37:29,166 --> 00:37:31,916
He said, "We never felt
welcome in your home."

742
00:37:31,916 --> 00:37:34,041
It's all going to get
framed as the people that

743
00:37:34,041 --> 00:37:36,916
have concern for you are
actually trying to hurt you.

744
00:37:36,916 --> 00:37:39,500
Like up is down, down is up.

745
00:37:40,041 --> 00:37:43,000
They scare you into thinking that
the only safe place is with them.

746
00:37:43,000 --> 00:37:46,500
Once they're isolated,
anything can be done to them.

747
00:37:50,625 --> 00:37:53,791
All of a sudden they'll
start to devalue you.

748
00:37:54,291 --> 00:37:57,208
They'll start the little put-downs.

749
00:37:57,208 --> 00:38:00,541
It's such a change from what
you've just come from, where

750
00:38:01,375 --> 00:38:03,500
you could do nothing wrong.

751
00:38:03,500 --> 00:38:06,291
She would nitpick every single thing

752
00:38:06,708 --> 00:38:09,500
if a cup was out of place, if a
piece of clothing was out of place,

753
00:38:09,500 --> 00:38:11,916
if the dishes were
loaded not to her liking.

754
00:38:11,916 --> 00:38:14,833
I mean, just simple little
things, but they add up.

755
00:38:15,250 --> 00:38:18,625
And so what I found myself doing
was trying to get ahead of her.

756
00:38:18,625 --> 00:38:20,166
I know she's coming home.

757
00:38:20,166 --> 00:38:21,916
Make sure everything's
exactly the way she wants it.

758
00:38:21,916 --> 00:38:23,791
You know, my son told me,

759
00:38:23,791 --> 00:38:26,291
dad, he goes, I didn't like who
you were when you were around her.

760
00:38:26,291 --> 00:38:28,583
We would be playing video
games or watching a movie.

761
00:38:28,583 --> 00:38:30,541
And as soon as she
pulled into the driveway

762
00:38:30,541 --> 00:38:32,666
and opened that door,
I would jump off the couch.

763
00:38:32,666 --> 00:38:34,250
I would turn the TV down,

764
00:38:34,791 --> 00:38:36,041
I would make sure I was attending to her,

765
00:38:36,041 --> 00:38:38,541
and my son would just go off and
disappear and go into his room.

766
00:38:38,541 --> 00:38:41,958
Over time, you become
dependent on this person

767
00:38:41,958 --> 00:38:44,958
and you can't function without them.

768
00:38:44,958 --> 00:38:46,291
And that's their goal.

769
00:38:50,875 --> 00:38:54,208
Narcissists are notorious for gaslighting.

770
00:38:54,208 --> 00:38:56,125
You can take a victim from

771
00:38:56,125 --> 00:38:59,666
being totally in command of their lives,

772
00:38:59,666 --> 00:39:02,333
to a total and utter mess.

773
00:39:06,041 --> 00:39:07,583
In that movie,

774
00:39:07,583 --> 00:39:10,416
you will see the psychological abuse

775
00:39:10,416 --> 00:39:12,291
that gaslighting is.

776
00:39:12,875 --> 00:39:14,750
Picture it's gone again.

777
00:39:14,750 --> 00:39:16,750
Where have you hidden it this time?

778
00:39:16,750 --> 00:39:19,083
00:39:10:20 - 00:39:14:02 To take it?
Why should I take it? It's no use to me.

779
00:39:19,083 --> 00:39:21,291
Bella, where's the picture?

780
00:39:21,291 --> 00:39:23,833
He's systematically driving her mad.

781
00:39:23,833 --> 00:39:28,000
He's driving you mad, in order to
discredit anything that you say

782
00:39:28,000 --> 00:39:29,625
as the ravings of a lunatic.

783
00:39:31,041 --> 00:39:33,916
I found out that a lot of the stuff

784
00:39:33,916 --> 00:39:36,166
that I was constantly being yelled at

785
00:39:36,166 --> 00:39:39,125
or being accused of losing, he was hiding.

786
00:39:39,500 --> 00:39:42,708
That's like the very
definition of gaslighting.

787
00:39:42,708 --> 00:39:46,625
They're getting a kick out of
literally driving you insane,

788
00:39:46,625 --> 00:39:48,666
making you feel crazy,

789
00:39:48,666 --> 00:39:50,833
and making you question your own sanity.

790
00:39:51,333 --> 00:39:55,375
What the narcissist subtly does
again and again over time is

791
00:39:55,375 --> 00:39:59,416
they weaken your confidence in
your ability to assess reality.

792
00:39:59,416 --> 00:40:01,291
They need that.
They need you to be unsure...

793
00:40:01,291 --> 00:40:02,583
They need you to be uncertain.

794
00:40:02,583 --> 00:40:05,250
So many victims

795
00:40:05,250 --> 00:40:09,041
cannot work out what the hell is
happening in their relationship,

796
00:40:09,041 --> 00:40:10,750
and they think that they're going mad.

797
00:40:12,750 --> 00:40:15,458
Physical, emotional and sexual abuse

798
00:40:15,458 --> 00:40:17,916
escalated and slowly started trickling in.

799
00:40:17,916 --> 00:40:22,541
But I got to say, it's the
psychological abuse that is the worst.

800
00:40:22,541 --> 00:40:27,125
That's the stuff that to
this day is so hard to undo.

801
00:40:29,166 --> 00:40:32,000
It's probably the worst
form of abuse that there is.

802
00:40:32,000 --> 00:40:34,291
It actually goes to a soul level.

803
00:40:41,500 --> 00:40:44,791
It's full of drama, and theater,

804
00:40:45,125 --> 00:40:48,791
and silent treatment,
and false accusations,

805
00:40:49,125 --> 00:40:51,875
and suddenly you're
looking at this person who

806
00:40:51,875 --> 00:40:53,375
you don't even recognize.

807
00:40:53,625 --> 00:40:55,125
The mask is off.

808
00:40:55,125 --> 00:40:57,875
The narcissistic person
is no longer "trying".

809
00:40:58,125 --> 00:41:00,875
She discarded me in a way,
as to where, she threw me away

810
00:41:00,875 --> 00:41:04,041
like I am human trash.

811
00:41:04,041 --> 00:41:05,666
I was not a person to damage.

812
00:41:05,666 --> 00:41:08,833
I was a function. I was a means to an end.

813
00:41:09,125 --> 00:41:13,208
Your supply is no good anymore,
and they're getting rid of you

814
00:41:13,208 --> 00:41:15,916
to make space for more supply.

815
00:41:19,625 --> 00:41:22,833
My personal relationship with Sam is warm,

816
00:41:22,833 --> 00:41:25,125
as you've seen. Like we joke around a lot.

817
00:41:25,125 --> 00:41:27,000
I don't have a problem with that,

818
00:41:27,000 --> 00:41:30,416
as long as it occurs within
certain boundaries and limitations.

819
00:41:30,916 --> 00:41:32,916
You know, he's a narcissist.

820
00:41:32,916 --> 00:41:36,875
I constantly feel that I'm
superior to other people.

821
00:41:36,875 --> 00:41:39,666
First of all, because objectively,
I am superior to other people.

822
00:41:39,916 --> 00:41:41,125
I have a very high IQ.

823
00:41:41,875 --> 00:41:45,250
There's no question in the relationship
of who has the superior intellect

824
00:41:45,250 --> 00:41:47,958
or who has the superior knowledge.
I'm not competing with Sam.

825
00:41:48,750 --> 00:41:51,416
My IQ was 190.

826
00:41:51,416 --> 00:41:54,666
In the whole world, there
are eight people with 190,

827
00:41:54,666 --> 00:41:56,750
not eight thousand. Eight.

828
00:41:57,041 --> 00:41:58,916
You're the person who
knows about this subject.

829
00:41:58,916 --> 00:42:00,416
You're the expert in the field.

830
00:42:00,416 --> 00:42:02,000
You know more than me.

831
00:42:02,000 --> 00:42:05,000
He's a civilized, decent, honorable guy.

832
00:42:05,000 --> 00:42:06,125
He has his own ethics.

833
00:42:06,125 --> 00:42:08,750
But yes, he has personality disorder.

834
00:42:08,750 --> 00:42:11,375
Undoubtedly he's not,
he's not mentally well,

835
00:42:11,375 --> 00:42:12,500
by his own admission.

836
00:42:20,250 --> 00:42:22,916
I really thought I was going to go to
my grave with everything that happened.

837
00:42:23,625 --> 00:42:28,875
It wasn't until Westworld came
along and I got to be Dolores.

838
00:42:29,125 --> 00:42:33,333
That helped me through my own
trauma and my own waking up.

839
00:42:34,125 --> 00:42:38,041
Westworld is a theme park
that is designed by humans

840
00:42:38,041 --> 00:42:40,041
to be a land of make believe.

841
00:42:40,041 --> 00:42:42,958
Dolores is character,
and all of the robots

842
00:42:42,958 --> 00:42:45,583
that exist within this park
don't know that they're robots.

843
00:42:46,125 --> 00:42:47,041
You're not real.

844
00:42:48,291 --> 00:42:50,166
People can choose to be nice to her,

845
00:42:50,166 --> 00:42:51,916
or they can choose to abuse her

846
00:42:52,125 --> 00:42:55,875
and do just unspeakable,
horrific things to her.

847
00:42:58,541 --> 00:43:02,500
The themes of that first season
just kept kind of blowing my mind.

848
00:43:02,500 --> 00:43:06,041
Like even the fact that my
perpetrator was the Man in Black.

849
00:43:06,291 --> 00:43:09,916
It was so hard not to see Brian.

850
00:43:09,916 --> 00:43:12,416
Every time I had to do a scene with him.

851
00:43:13,250 --> 00:43:17,500
Like, I remember doing that final scene

852
00:43:17,833 --> 00:43:21,541
and I was given just the most
beautiful monologue to say.

853
00:43:21,750 --> 00:43:24,708
It was like everything I
had always wanted to say

854
00:43:24,708 --> 00:43:27,833
to anybody that had ever hurt me.
And especially Brian.

855
00:43:27,833 --> 00:43:31,333
One day...

856
00:43:31,333 --> 00:43:33,125
You will perish.

857
00:43:33,125 --> 00:43:36,916
Your dreams forgotten, your horrors faced.

858
00:43:37,541 --> 00:43:41,125
And by the end of that
first season, I was awake

859
00:43:42,000 --> 00:43:43,208
just like Dolores.

860
00:43:48,458 --> 00:43:51,375
I came across this podcast,
and there was a woman host, and she

861
00:43:51,375 --> 00:43:52,916
had a psychologist on.

862
00:43:52,916 --> 00:43:55,333
So I started listening.
In about ten minutes in,

863
00:43:55,333 --> 00:43:56,333
the word narcissism came up.

864
00:43:56,541 --> 00:43:59,875
And all I knew about narcissism was is
somebody who is into themselves. Right?

865
00:44:01,333 --> 00:44:04,375
And then she started to give examples,
and I was like, oh, wait a minute,

866
00:44:04,375 --> 00:44:06,000
this sounds eerily familiar.

867
00:44:06,000 --> 00:44:08,750
And I'm listening to this.
And suddenly it's starting to make sense.

868
00:44:08,750 --> 00:44:11,250
And then I go home and I
start doing all this research.

869
00:44:11,250 --> 00:44:15,250
And then, I was watching a video of
this male psychologist, and it was

870
00:44:15,250 --> 00:44:18,666
a covert female narcissist wife.

871
00:44:19,000 --> 00:44:21,083
It's like I was sitting
here in the room with him

872
00:44:21,333 --> 00:44:22,791
and he was talking about my marriage,

873
00:44:22,791 --> 00:44:25,208
and I realized she's a covert narcissist.

874
00:44:25,708 --> 00:44:28,625
Oh my gosh. And when that,
when that clicked for me,

875
00:44:29,291 --> 00:44:32,833
it was like, wow. I had a why.

876
00:44:34,375 --> 00:44:37,250
Once I built up the courage
to finally leave Tammy,

877
00:44:37,541 --> 00:44:38,750
I walked in the door,

878
00:44:38,750 --> 00:44:41,416
and I see my son there,
and I just started crying

879
00:44:41,708 --> 00:44:42,958
and I said, it's over. It's like

880
00:44:45,208 --> 00:44:47,250
this nightmare is over.

881
00:44:48,208 --> 00:44:50,916
And, Jared

882
00:44:50,916 --> 00:44:54,458
jumped out of his chair,
and he gave me the biggest hug

883
00:44:55,291 --> 00:44:59,291
and he said, thank God that wretched
woman is out of our lives forever.

884
00:45:00,000 --> 00:45:01,833
That was his exact words to me.

885
00:45:03,291 --> 00:45:05,708
After a person has been
through narcissistic abuse,

886
00:45:05,708 --> 00:45:07,416
it can really crush

887
00:45:07,416 --> 00:45:10,083
their conceptions of what is love,

888
00:45:10,083 --> 00:45:13,333
what is family, and above
all else, what is trust.

889
00:45:16,125 --> 00:45:19,708
I never really thought

890
00:45:19,708 --> 00:45:22,458
being molested by cousin Mike the

891
00:45:22,458 --> 00:45:25,125
child molester had an effect on me.

892
00:45:25,125 --> 00:45:27,916
I was going to get over it, get over it.

893
00:45:30,208 --> 00:45:31,666
But I think I haven't,

894
00:45:32,125 --> 00:45:34,666
and that makes me really
angry at my parents.

895
00:45:35,500 --> 00:45:38,041
Because they knew when
they could have stopped it.

896
00:45:38,041 --> 00:45:40,750
They really, really knew.

897
00:45:41,375 --> 00:45:43,291
And they were so selfish

898
00:45:43,833 --> 00:45:48,750
that they sacrificed
me for their own needs.

899
00:45:49,458 --> 00:45:52,666
That's not right to do to a child.

900
00:46:01,250 --> 00:46:03,375
I have a limited range of emotions,

901
00:46:03,375 --> 00:46:06,708
so I don't experience joy
or happiness or sadness.

902
00:46:06,916 --> 00:46:09,666
I experience power, fury, antipathy,

903
00:46:09,666 --> 00:46:13,000
hatred, jealousy,
and remaining negative emotions.

904
00:46:13,000 --> 00:46:14,541
I have no emotional empathy.

905
00:46:14,541 --> 00:46:16,625
I don't experience love.

906
00:46:16,625 --> 00:46:20,125
Many people say, "Gee, doesn't it
bother you that you can't be happy?"

907
00:46:20,125 --> 00:46:22,166
No, not interested in it.

908
00:46:22,166 --> 00:46:24,375
I'm hugely effective the way that I am,

909
00:46:24,625 --> 00:46:28,083
and having that limited range of
emotions works perfectly well for me.

910
00:46:28,250 --> 00:46:30,375
In order for me to fit in,

911
00:46:30,375 --> 00:46:34,625
I create a passable impression of happiness.
Even though I don't experience it,

912
00:46:34,625 --> 00:46:36,416
I know how to frame my face.

913
00:46:36,416 --> 00:46:39,291
I don't go to tears,
I don't cry, it's weak.

914
00:46:39,291 --> 00:46:42,750
But certain narcissists do.
Even though one feels nothing.

915
00:46:46,750 --> 00:46:50,333
Empathy is the experience
of understanding and

916
00:46:50,333 --> 00:46:54,875
to some degree, feeling another
human being's emotional state.

917
00:46:54,875 --> 00:47:00,250
Even if you are not having a
simultaneous experience to them.

918
00:47:00,750 --> 00:47:03,416
It's how we create loving,

919
00:47:03,416 --> 00:47:06,250
connected, sustained human
relationships which actually

920
00:47:06,250 --> 00:47:09,291
are the fabric of existence.

921
00:47:09,291 --> 00:47:11,916
It's how we survived as a species.

922
00:47:12,541 --> 00:47:14,708
There's no one place in the brain

923
00:47:14,708 --> 00:47:16,875
where empathy resides,

924
00:47:17,375 --> 00:47:21,666
but we see that a particular
network in the brain

925
00:47:21,666 --> 00:47:24,541
activates when people
are feeling empathetic.

926
00:47:24,541 --> 00:47:27,125
And we know this from
neuroimaging studies,

927
00:47:27,125 --> 00:47:29,833
where we can show people images

928
00:47:29,833 --> 00:47:31,541
that would inspire empathy,

929
00:47:31,541 --> 00:47:33,958
like a puppy being hurt
or a child being hurt,

930
00:47:33,958 --> 00:47:36,208
and it activates certain
parts of the brain.

931
00:47:36,375 --> 00:47:40,375
But we do tend to see that
people that get these diagnoses

932
00:47:40,375 --> 00:47:42,666
of, say, narcissistic personality disorder

933
00:47:42,666 --> 00:47:47,541
can have decreased activation in
these key centers involved in empathy.

934
00:47:47,541 --> 00:47:50,375
The assumption is that they're
not really feeling empathy

935
00:47:50,375 --> 00:47:51,500
the way others do.

936
00:47:51,666 --> 00:47:53,541
For the narcissistic person,

937
00:47:53,541 --> 00:47:57,791
they know that you're supposed to
care about other people's feelings,

938
00:47:57,791 --> 00:48:00,916
but they actually have contempt
for other people's feelings.

939
00:48:01,125 --> 00:48:04,125
Oh, this empathy thing is
what all these folks want.

940
00:48:04,125 --> 00:48:07,500
I'm going to try that to get what I need.

941
00:48:07,500 --> 00:48:10,500
Everybody stops.
Oh, they're incapable of empathy.

942
00:48:10,500 --> 00:48:13,375
Yeah. That's the tip of the iceberg.

943
00:48:13,375 --> 00:48:17,000
They're not capable of humaning
in any meaningful sense.

944
00:48:21,041 --> 00:48:22,583
I look like a human being.

945
00:48:23,250 --> 00:48:24,416
I talk like a human being.

946
00:48:24,416 --> 00:48:26,500
I make some of you smile sometimes,

947
00:48:26,500 --> 00:48:27,916
so I can reach into you.

948
00:48:27,916 --> 00:48:29,666
And I can push the right buttons.

949
00:48:30,375 --> 00:48:32,750
You'll want me too.
I'll even imitate empathy.

950
00:48:32,750 --> 00:48:34,000
I'll even cry if you want.

951
00:48:35,166 --> 00:48:37,083
But I am not you,

952
00:48:37,083 --> 00:48:38,708
and I am not like you in

953
00:48:39,166 --> 00:48:42,791
any possible meaningful sense.

954
00:48:43,458 --> 00:48:44,041
None.

955
00:48:49,000 --> 00:48:52,208
It is true that in the postmodern world,

956
00:48:53,000 --> 00:48:55,666
narcissists and psychopaths
are better adopted than

957
00:48:56,333 --> 00:48:59,500
people with emotions and
what we call healthy people.

958
00:48:59,500 --> 00:49:00,875
They are ruthless,

959
00:49:00,875 --> 00:49:03,375
they're callous, they are goal oriented.

960
00:49:03,375 --> 00:49:06,250
They know how to manipulate
people, and they do.

961
00:49:07,041 --> 00:49:09,916
So all these are advantages
in the modern environment.

962
00:49:11,416 --> 00:49:16,166
A true narcissist is absolutely
invincible in many ways.

963
00:49:16,833 --> 00:49:19,791
It gets what he wants and he
plays everyone all the time.

964
00:49:19,791 --> 00:49:21,375
And he does it highly efficiently.

965
00:49:23,500 --> 00:49:25,916
Narcissism is about becoming the demon.

966
00:49:27,458 --> 00:49:29,000
I need to feel God-like.

967
00:49:31,000 --> 00:49:33,875
There's about 6 billion of
us who shouldn't be here.

968
00:49:33,875 --> 00:49:35,375
I don't know if it ever
goes into the movie,

969
00:49:35,375 --> 00:49:37,333
but I call them eat-to-shit machines.

970
00:49:37,791 --> 00:49:42,166
They procreate, they consume resources,
they pollute, they contribute nothing.

971
00:49:42,791 --> 00:49:46,666
They directly compete with far
more superior life forms like me.

972
00:49:47,125 --> 00:49:48,625
These people should not be here.

973
00:49:49,166 --> 00:49:50,666
I'm all for eugenics,

974
00:49:51,083 --> 00:49:53,708
but on a scale that would
terrify most people.

975
00:49:57,375 --> 00:50:01,250
The biggest question is,
can narcissists change?

976
00:50:01,250 --> 00:50:04,541
There are some folks who believe
that there can be meaningful change.

977
00:50:05,000 --> 00:50:09,000
I have to tell you from my seat as
a clinician, I'm not as convinced.

978
00:50:09,000 --> 00:50:11,916
So right now, let's just
say that the jury is out.

979
00:50:11,916 --> 00:50:14,458
But I put my good money on, No.

980
00:50:14,458 --> 00:50:16,000
They really can't change.

981
00:50:19,166 --> 00:50:23,208
I have lived the most amazing
cinematic Hollywoodian life. I have

982
00:50:23,208 --> 00:50:28,083
done everything known,
but I've never been there.

983
00:50:28,083 --> 00:50:32,333
I have observed my life
as though it were a movie.

984
00:50:32,333 --> 00:50:34,083
I never participated in it.

985
00:50:34,083 --> 00:50:35,541
I never enjoyed it.

986
00:50:35,541 --> 00:50:37,083
I never loved,

987
00:50:37,083 --> 00:50:38,625
I've never been loved.

988
00:50:39,875 --> 00:50:42,583
You are human. I am not.

989
00:50:43,166 --> 00:50:45,166
We don't belong to the same species.

990
00:50:45,500 --> 00:50:46,875
I'm a

991
00:50:46,875 --> 00:50:49,875
howling, giant black hole

992
00:50:50,416 --> 00:50:52,458
and there's nothing but that.

993
00:50:53,000 --> 00:50:55,750
No one can help me with my emptiness.

994
00:50:55,750 --> 00:50:58,541
No one's love, no one's attention.

995
00:50:58,875 --> 00:51:00,416
It's never enough. It's a black hole.

996
00:51:01,500 --> 00:51:03,666
It's a bottomless pit.

997
00:51:04,500 --> 00:51:07,416
I envy every human being who smiles.

998
00:51:07,416 --> 00:51:09,375
I envy people who cry.

999
00:51:09,375 --> 00:51:11,125
I even envy depressed people.

1000
00:51:11,625 --> 00:51:13,625
I'm incapable of any of this.

1001
00:51:14,625 --> 00:51:16,958
My problem is that I don't exist.

1002
00:51:17,291 --> 00:51:19,125
Can you tell me how to exist?

1003
00:51:20,375 --> 00:51:23,500
Is there an algorithm as to how to exist?

1004
00:51:24,250 --> 00:51:25,833
Is there a user manual?

1005
00:51:26,625 --> 00:51:29,041
Can someone teach me how to exist?

1006
00:51:29,750 --> 00:51:31,000
Of course not.

1007
00:51:31,791 --> 00:51:35,125
There's no way around
this fundamental problem.

1008
00:51:37,166 --> 00:51:39,416
How does it make me superior?

1009
00:52:14,708 --> 00:52:15,541
I'm sorry.

1010
00:52:47,375 --> 00:52:49,708
So, I'm very angry.

1011
00:52:53,291 --> 00:52:57,500
I'm very angry at not ever having existed.

1012
00:52:58,791 --> 00:53:01,916
Because I think I had many gifts.

1013
00:53:05,500 --> 00:53:07,125
They were taken away from me.

1014
00:53:11,416 --> 00:53:14,750
When I was essentially
helpless as a child.

1015
00:53:14,875 --> 00:53:15,791
You know?

1016
00:53:17,041 --> 00:53:19,416
I couldn't defend myself.

1017
00:53:24,875 --> 00:53:26,708
That's how superior I feel.

1018
00:53:28,250 --> 00:53:30,375
I hope, I'd answered the question.

1019
00:53:42,041 --> 00:53:43,375
He abused my trust.

1020
00:53:43,375 --> 00:53:46,208
He became kind of my second father,

1021
00:53:46,208 --> 00:53:48,708
as he described himself.

1022
00:53:49,000 --> 00:53:51,583
I received an email
called "Adoption Papers"

1023
00:53:51,583 --> 00:53:55,125
where he suggested to adopt me.

1024
00:53:55,375 --> 00:53:59,625
Simultaneously, I was receiving
very confusing signals from him

1025
00:53:59,625 --> 00:54:05,000
of a very intimate, sexual nature.

1026
00:54:05,000 --> 00:54:10,000
He would be pressuring me and telling me that,
"Deep inside you, you're a slut and a whore."

1027
00:54:10,291 --> 00:54:13,416
"Let me welcome and
embrace your sexuality."

1028
00:54:13,416 --> 00:54:15,708
And because I don't want
to have sex with him,

1029
00:54:15,708 --> 00:54:17,750
I don't want to celebrate life.

1030
00:54:17,750 --> 00:54:22,375
So that's why sex with him is
needed for me to get healed.

1031
00:54:23,041 --> 00:54:25,166
He blackmailed and manipulated me.

1032
00:54:25,166 --> 00:54:28,041
And ultimately, he tried to totally

1033
00:54:28,041 --> 00:54:31,000
mentally, physically, emotionally
and psychologically destroy me.

1034
00:54:31,750 --> 00:54:32,916
Even after that,

1035
00:54:32,916 --> 00:54:37,500
I didn't find strength to
go forward and to speak up.

1036
00:54:37,500 --> 00:54:41,041
But later, other women reached out to me.

1037
00:54:41,041 --> 00:54:44,041
And every story is a horror movie.

1038
00:54:44,250 --> 00:54:46,708
It's not thriller, it's pure horror.

1039
00:54:47,000 --> 00:54:49,416
I was like, damn it,
I can't be silent anymore.

1040
00:54:52,916 --> 00:54:55,416
The therapist who abused me is Sam Vaknin.

1041
00:55:08,375 --> 00:55:10,708
I need to talk to you

1042
00:55:10,708 --> 00:55:13,125
IT'S URGENT!!!

1043
00:55:13,250 --> 00:55:15,000
I've been contacted by a group of women.

1044
00:55:15,000 --> 00:55:15,833
There's five of them.

1045
00:55:15,916 --> 00:55:17,625
Turns out that since 2015,

1046
00:55:17,625 --> 00:55:20,083
when I started using Sam to do seminars

1047
00:55:20,083 --> 00:55:22,000
with, and to help platform him,

1048
00:55:22,000 --> 00:55:25,291
he's been using his
persona as a therapist,

1049
00:55:25,500 --> 00:55:27,791
and as a psychology professor

1050
00:55:28,000 --> 00:55:31,958
to bait, target,
and single out individual women

1051
00:55:32,291 --> 00:55:34,625
for financial and sexual exploitation.

1052
00:55:34,625 --> 00:55:36,291
When I say sexual exploitation,

1053
00:55:36,291 --> 00:55:39,833
we're talking about some of
the most depraved, degrading

1054
00:55:40,583 --> 00:55:42,291
sexual practices I've ever heard of.

1055
00:55:42,291 --> 00:55:44,166
And when I asked these five women,

1056
00:55:44,166 --> 00:55:46,291
how many people they think it is in total

1057
00:55:46,291 --> 00:55:48,708
in the seven years since
I've been working with him,

1058
00:55:49,041 --> 00:55:52,750
they're estimating between
25 and 30 other victims.

1059
00:56:01,125 --> 00:56:02,416
He's not a professor.

1060
00:56:02,416 --> 00:56:03,500
He's not a doctor.

1061
00:56:03,500 --> 00:56:05,583
He doesn't have a degree in psychology.

1062
00:56:06,625 --> 00:56:09,875
He's a complete, total charlatan.

1063
00:56:11,041 --> 00:56:13,125
He's an utter piece of shit.

1064
00:56:15,166 --> 00:56:17,791
People are getting hurt here.

1065
00:56:17,791 --> 00:56:21,166
He's broken them. He's really,
really, really broken them,

1066
00:56:21,166 --> 00:56:23,958
in a way that has left shrapnel

1067
00:56:23,958 --> 00:56:27,000
and shards in the emotional
and psychological flesh

1068
00:56:27,000 --> 00:56:28,708
that will take years to remove.

1069
00:56:30,000 --> 00:56:31,041
Evil.

1070
00:56:31,416 --> 00:56:32,375
Evil man.

1071
00:56:47,375 --> 00:56:49,791
So he made sure to make the discard phase

1072
00:56:49,791 --> 00:56:51,541
as cruel as possible.

1073
00:56:51,541 --> 00:56:53,791
He took off his mask very abruptly,

1074
00:56:54,541 --> 00:56:56,250
and you saw the monster.

1075
00:56:56,250 --> 00:56:59,208
And then I told him stop it,
I can't anymore. Just go away.

1076
00:56:59,208 --> 00:56:59,791
He said,

1077
00:56:59,791 --> 00:57:02,583
be careful what you wish for,
because once I'm gone,

1078
00:57:03,125 --> 00:57:06,125
the only way out for you
is out of your window.

1079
00:57:06,125 --> 00:57:07,625
It's okay. You're on the 20th floor.

1080
00:57:07,625 --> 00:57:09,625
You won't even feel anything.

1081
00:57:09,625 --> 00:57:12,916
His ultimate goal is to
make you commit suicide.

1082
00:57:13,250 --> 00:57:14,666
It's like his mark,

1083
00:57:14,666 --> 00:57:17,541
his signature, "suicide via Vaknin".

1084
00:57:17,541 --> 00:57:20,500
I am your instrument of destruction.

1085
00:57:20,500 --> 00:57:22,625
It's like suicide by Vaknin.

1086
00:57:23,875 --> 00:57:26,291
How dangerous do you think this man is?

1087
00:57:26,291 --> 00:57:30,250
I think he's extremely dangerous
because he's an expert in what he's doing.

1088
00:57:30,250 --> 00:57:32,833
Because this is the only
thing he's doing all his life.

1089
00:57:32,833 --> 00:57:36,041
He's obsessed about
destroying lives of people.

1090
00:57:36,041 --> 00:57:37,916
It's his fix.

1091
00:57:37,916 --> 00:57:40,166
It's so dark out there, Isla.

1092
00:57:40,166 --> 00:57:41,791
It's really, really, really dark.

1093
00:57:46,125 --> 00:57:51,291
Sam leveraged this idea of himself
as being a benevolent healer

1094
00:57:51,291 --> 00:57:54,250
and a psychology professor,
and as a therapist

1095
00:57:54,791 --> 00:57:58,333
to gain a position of authority and trust

1096
00:57:58,333 --> 00:57:59,916
over these women and with these women.

1097
00:57:59,916 --> 00:58:02,458
And then he fully abused that trust.

1098
00:58:02,458 --> 00:58:04,291
They don't want to be made public.

1099
00:58:04,291 --> 00:58:07,291
They don't want to go to the police,
because they're deeply ashamed

1100
00:58:07,291 --> 00:58:09,458
and he's threatened them. He's told them,

1101
00:58:09,458 --> 00:58:11,833
"if you tell anybody
what I've done to you,

1102
00:58:11,833 --> 00:58:14,291
I'm going to expose you to your family.

1103
00:58:14,291 --> 00:58:16,458
I'm going to expose you to employers.

1104
00:58:16,458 --> 00:58:19,708
I'm going to expose you to the
academic institutions you work for.

1105
00:58:19,708 --> 00:58:21,666
I'm going to ruin your reputation.

1106
00:58:21,958 --> 00:58:22,791
He's trapped them.

1107
00:58:23,874 --> 00:58:28,374
It's a horrifying, torturous position
that he's put these women in.

1108
00:58:28,833 --> 00:58:32,749
The man is a fucking animal,
and he belongs in prison.

1109
00:58:41,708 --> 00:58:45,708
A smear campaign is a concerted attempt by

1110
00:58:45,708 --> 00:58:49,708
a narcissistic person to
get back all the power.

1111
00:58:50,208 --> 00:58:54,249
They're going to take anyone
down who pulls their mask off.

1112
00:58:54,249 --> 00:58:58,249
This is all part of the larger gambit of

1113
00:58:58,249 --> 00:59:01,999
the narcissistic person chronically
positioning themselves as the victim,

1114
00:59:01,999 --> 00:59:04,583
when in fact they are the offender.

1115
00:59:05,583 --> 00:59:08,958
I was sitting in my attorney's office,

1116
00:59:08,958 --> 00:59:11,958
and my paralegal asked me, have you read
Tammy's declaration? And I said, no.

1117
00:59:12,374 --> 00:59:15,999
And she said, well, she's now accused
you of domestic violence and abuse.

1118
00:59:16,833 --> 00:59:19,416
And I just slumped over,

1119
00:59:20,083 --> 00:59:22,583
put my hands on my face.

1120
00:59:23,458 --> 00:59:25,291
And I just started to weep and cry

1121
00:59:26,166 --> 00:59:27,374
because I couldn't believe it.

1122
00:59:27,374 --> 00:59:31,208
I have never abused anyone
or anything in my entire life.

1123
00:59:31,708 --> 00:59:35,749
She knew that just saying those
things would just devastate me.

1124
00:59:35,749 --> 00:59:38,083
That was probably the
worst moment of my life.

1125
00:59:38,333 --> 00:59:39,624
And I'm still not over that.

1126
00:59:39,833 --> 00:59:41,499
Even though I've been vindicated,

1127
00:59:41,499 --> 00:59:43,083
it was all denied in court.

1128
00:59:43,083 --> 00:59:45,958
There were no repercussions
because it was all false.

1129
00:59:46,583 --> 00:59:48,708
She just did it to crush my soul.

1130
00:59:49,958 --> 00:59:51,791
Because that's what narcissists do.

1131
00:59:58,333 --> 01:00:02,499
I will not be collaborating
any longer with Richard Grannon

1132
01:00:02,499 --> 01:00:07,249
in any way, shape or form,
in any forum and in any setting.

1133
01:00:09,083 --> 01:00:11,999
To disintegrate someone and
to destroy them takes time.

1134
01:00:13,458 --> 01:00:17,458
I want to clarify, I am not associated

1135
01:00:17,458 --> 01:00:19,958
directly or indirectly

1136
01:00:19,958 --> 01:00:23,416
with anything that Richard Grannon does.

1137
01:00:23,416 --> 01:00:27,249
Thankfully, he's out of my life for good.

1138
01:00:29,583 --> 01:00:31,749
I need to erase you.

1139
01:00:31,749 --> 01:00:35,083
I need you gone, and I'll do
anything to accomplish this.

1140
01:00:36,041 --> 01:00:40,833
Ahhh, red wine, a men's best friend.

1141
01:00:40,833 --> 01:00:42,708
I just got rid of one,

1142
01:00:42,708 --> 01:00:45,124
not wine, a fake friend.

1143
01:00:45,791 --> 01:00:47,291
Fake former best friend.

1144
01:00:48,124 --> 01:00:50,624
I will be unstoppable and relentless.

1145
01:00:50,624 --> 01:00:52,833
It will go on long after the provocation.

1146
01:00:53,333 --> 01:00:55,041
You're my mortal enemy.

1147
01:00:56,208 --> 01:00:59,208
He cheats, he lies, he betrays.

1148
01:00:59,208 --> 01:01:02,083
Do not forgive and do not forget.

1149
01:01:02,083 --> 01:01:03,874
It's an enemy.

1150
01:01:03,874 --> 01:01:05,374
Treat him as such.

1151
01:01:05,374 --> 01:01:07,458
And so you've provoked me on Wednesday,

1152
01:01:07,458 --> 01:01:09,916
four years later, I will still
engage in a smear campaign.

1153
01:01:11,083 --> 01:01:12,458
So I need to destroy you.

1154
01:01:12,458 --> 01:01:13,708
Whatever it takes.

1155
01:01:14,874 --> 01:01:16,583
Weak people pleasers

1156
01:01:16,583 --> 01:01:18,958
end badly. Badly.

1157
01:01:19,874 --> 01:01:21,874
Very, very badly.

1158
01:01:21,874 --> 01:01:22,833
In due time.

1159
01:01:30,499 --> 01:01:35,458
He has a clear and obvious intent
to completely destroy my reputation.

1160
01:01:35,458 --> 01:01:37,458
He wants to put me out of business.

1161
01:01:37,458 --> 01:01:41,291
He's also shown me in the interim
period that he's prepared to lie

1162
01:01:41,291 --> 01:01:44,916
and lie and lie and say
anything to take revenge on me.

1163
01:01:47,874 --> 01:01:49,708
This is one of his
flying monkeys right now.

1164
01:01:50,333 --> 01:01:51,083
Hello?

1165
01:01:51,458 --> 01:01:52,791
Yeah, this is Richard?

1166
01:01:52,791 --> 01:01:53,666
Speaking.

1167
01:01:53,666 --> 01:01:56,833
You can't keep doing what
you're doing, ahhh Richard.

1168
01:01:57,458 --> 01:01:59,833
Your bribery and your death threat.

1169
01:01:59,833 --> 01:02:01,708
I've reported all... everything.

1170
01:02:01,708 --> 01:02:02,874
Sam is helping me out.

1171
01:02:02,874 --> 01:02:05,249
Seriously, you need to go see
a healthcare professional.

1172
01:02:05,249 --> 01:02:06,749
You're mentally ill.

1173
01:02:06,749 --> 01:02:08,333
You can't keep doing that to people,

1174
01:02:08,333 --> 01:02:10,249
and you can't keep doing
that to your followers

1175
01:02:10,249 --> 01:02:11,291
and your clients.

1176
01:02:11,291 --> 01:02:12,333
It's wrong.

1177
01:02:12,708 --> 01:02:14,583
Whatever...(inaudible)

1178
01:02:14,583 --> 01:02:15,499
Hello?

1179
01:02:18,499 --> 01:02:20,541
Yeah. She's under him. She's under him.

1180
01:02:23,583 --> 01:02:26,333
Sam has knowingly

1181
01:02:26,333 --> 01:02:29,583
weaponized mentally ill
women to come and attack me.

1182
01:02:29,583 --> 01:02:32,708
As you can hear, this woman
is not in her right mind.

1183
01:02:33,499 --> 01:02:37,958
One of the things that I have to
accept about this situation is that

1184
01:02:37,958 --> 01:02:41,499
I thought I knew

1185
01:02:41,499 --> 01:02:44,624
who and what Sam Vaknin was,

1186
01:02:44,624 --> 01:02:48,083
and I clearly didn't have a fucking clue.

1187
01:02:48,083 --> 01:02:49,583
And I'm learning that the hard way.

1188
01:02:54,916 --> 01:02:58,041
No contact is something I call sort of the

1189
01:02:58,041 --> 01:02:59,874
ultimate strategy

1190
01:02:59,874 --> 01:03:03,333
for managing any kind of
narcissistic or toxic relationship,

1191
01:03:03,333 --> 01:03:06,624
and basically involves exactly
what it sounds like, no contact,

1192
01:03:06,624 --> 01:03:08,458
and I mean no contact.

1193
01:03:08,458 --> 01:03:13,291
Not on a holiday, not on a birthday,
not an errant card here or there. None.

1194
01:03:13,499 --> 01:03:16,791
But since no contact is not

1195
01:03:16,791 --> 01:03:21,541
available to most people, there
are other things that we can use

1196
01:03:21,541 --> 01:03:24,458
to manage the narcissistic
relationships we do have in our lives.

1197
01:03:28,249 --> 01:03:31,749
Number one, if you only remember
rule number one, you're good to go.

1198
01:03:31,749 --> 01:03:34,333
Never call them out.

1199
01:03:34,333 --> 01:03:38,958
A lot of people will saunter over to
the narcissist and say, hey, guess what?

1200
01:03:38,958 --> 01:03:40,791
You're a narcissist.

1201
01:03:41,374 --> 01:03:44,958
And what happens is by the
end of that conversation,

1202
01:03:45,374 --> 01:03:49,499
the narcissist has now told you no,
you're the raging narcissist.

1203
01:03:49,499 --> 01:03:52,916
And in a majority of cases,
they've made such a strong case.

1204
01:03:52,916 --> 01:03:54,916
You believe them,
don't ever call them out.

1205
01:03:55,249 --> 01:03:57,083
Number two, don't blame yourself.

1206
01:03:57,083 --> 01:03:59,624
Narcissists are equal
opportunity perpetrators.

1207
01:03:59,624 --> 01:04:01,083
They will do this to anyone.

1208
01:04:01,083 --> 01:04:04,833
The key is to not personalize
what they're doing to you.

1209
01:04:04,833 --> 01:04:07,333
Number three, don't fall
for the future faking.

1210
01:04:07,333 --> 01:04:10,208
They will make promises to
you to the ends of the earth.

1211
01:04:10,208 --> 01:04:12,124
I'm going to therapy.

1212
01:04:12,124 --> 01:04:13,124
You're right.

1213
01:04:13,124 --> 01:04:14,583
I'm going to change.

1214
01:04:14,583 --> 01:04:15,833
Don't fall for that.

1215
01:04:15,833 --> 01:04:18,916
Number four, build a firewall.

1216
01:04:18,916 --> 01:04:20,708
Think of what a firewall
is on your computer.

1217
01:04:20,708 --> 01:04:23,333
It controls information in and out.

1218
01:04:23,333 --> 01:04:25,874
Firewalling is also a
technique for communicating

1219
01:04:25,874 --> 01:04:27,208
with a narcissistic person.

1220
01:04:27,208 --> 01:04:29,791
I don't want any of their
toxic stuff coming in,

1221
01:04:29,791 --> 01:04:31,499
so I'm not going to overengage with them.

1222
01:04:31,499 --> 01:04:32,749
I'm not going to defend myself.

1223
01:04:32,749 --> 01:04:34,333
I'm not going to get into it with them.

1224
01:04:34,791 --> 01:04:37,791
And I'm going to be very careful

1225
01:04:37,791 --> 01:04:40,749
about not sharing the
vulnerable stuff about myself,

1226
01:04:40,749 --> 01:04:42,541
because they'll use it to harm me,

1227
01:04:42,541 --> 01:04:44,374
so I'm not going to share it.

1228
01:04:44,833 --> 01:04:47,208
Number five, gray rocking.

1229
01:04:47,208 --> 01:04:50,166
Gray rocking is, in essence, turning
yourself into gray rock, making yourself

1230
01:04:50,166 --> 01:04:52,583
so uninteresting,

1231
01:04:52,583 --> 01:04:55,374
so unemotional, and so unengaging

1232
01:04:55,374 --> 01:04:58,208
that the narcissist will either not
engage with you or be disinterested.

1233
01:04:58,458 --> 01:05:00,833
Number six, boundaries.

1234
01:05:00,833 --> 01:05:04,458
Boundaries are everything in
narcissistic relationships.

1235
01:05:04,458 --> 01:05:08,458
Because a narcissistic
relationship is a 24/7 battle

1236
01:05:08,458 --> 01:05:10,958
of them trying to annex your boundaries

1237
01:05:11,333 --> 01:05:14,333
and you feeling more and more
and more encroached upon.

1238
01:05:20,583 --> 01:05:21,999
There was a kind of

1239
01:05:21,999 --> 01:05:24,958
an induction. There's a kind of a seduction.
There was a kind of a love bombing.

1240
01:05:24,958 --> 01:05:28,291
I was subjected to a lot of praise.

1241
01:05:28,624 --> 01:05:33,499
I was told that I was a
brilliant public speaker,

1242
01:05:33,499 --> 01:05:36,749
that I had a brilliant mind, that I had

1243
01:05:36,749 --> 01:05:39,083
an intuitive understanding
for psychoanalytic theory.

1244
01:05:40,208 --> 01:05:45,749
The obvious parallel to draw would be
to say, okay, you have father issues.

1245
01:05:45,749 --> 01:05:48,833
It is partly that,
but it's not that simple.

1246
01:05:49,958 --> 01:05:52,708
I also saw Sam as being like me,

1247
01:05:52,708 --> 01:05:56,458
as kind of, a lost child,

1248
01:05:56,708 --> 01:05:59,333
somebody that I had like a
sympathetic resonance with because

1249
01:05:59,708 --> 01:06:01,833
of his childhood.

1250
01:06:02,999 --> 01:06:05,249
But the effect on me has been horrendous.

1251
01:06:05,249 --> 01:06:07,291
It's been really, really painful.

1252
01:06:07,291 --> 01:06:12,166
And it's kind of sent me
into a personal crisis.

1253
01:06:14,833 --> 01:06:18,124
Maybe inside of my head,
part of my defense mechanism is,

1254
01:06:18,124 --> 01:06:20,333
oh, here we go. Sam's doing
the old Count Dracula routine.

1255
01:06:20,624 --> 01:06:22,791
I might be just thought it was

1256
01:06:22,791 --> 01:06:24,708
shtick or something amusing.

1257
01:06:24,708 --> 01:06:27,916
Knowing what I know now, that's
just a frank admission of who he is.

1258
01:06:29,208 --> 01:06:31,958
I feel guilty because I've given
him access to other people.

1259
01:06:31,958 --> 01:06:33,458
I've given him validity.

1260
01:06:33,458 --> 01:06:36,041
I've given him a platform and a name

1261
01:06:36,041 --> 01:06:37,916
that meant that vulnerable men and women

1262
01:06:37,916 --> 01:06:40,499
would go to him and ask him for therapy,
and I've assisted in that.

1263
01:06:41,083 --> 01:06:42,874
Makes me feel physically sick.

1264
01:06:50,083 --> 01:06:51,333
Richard,

1265
01:06:52,874 --> 01:06:54,624
it's so nice to meet you.

1266
01:06:54,624 --> 01:06:56,333
I thank you so much for coming here.

1267
01:06:56,333 --> 01:06:58,041
I'm sorry. It's a bit chilly.

1268
01:06:58,041 --> 01:07:00,208
Should we walk? Yeah.

1269
01:07:00,208 --> 01:07:02,624
I really appreciate you
coming to meet me in person.

1270
01:07:02,624 --> 01:07:03,874
And also for.

1271
01:07:03,874 --> 01:07:06,208
Well, not just yet,
but connect me with the victims.

1272
01:07:06,208 --> 01:07:09,999
But I think, as you suggest, it's
important we don't do that just yet.

1273
01:07:09,999 --> 01:07:11,958
Oh, they can be, they scare easily,

1274
01:07:11,958 --> 01:07:14,624
so we have to be very careful with them.

1275
01:07:14,624 --> 01:07:16,374
Yeah. And also because they're
in different countries,

1276
01:07:16,374 --> 01:07:19,458
it's not as simple as you go
to a local police station,

1277
01:07:19,749 --> 01:07:23,833
and say, "my therapist, who works in
that office down the road, has done this".

1278
01:07:23,833 --> 01:07:26,416
It's because across countries,

1279
01:07:26,416 --> 01:07:28,166
it makes it far more complicated.

1280
01:07:28,166 --> 01:07:31,708
There's that. And then there's a tremendous
amount of guilt and shame on their part.

1281
01:07:31,708 --> 01:07:33,874
They're very embarrassed
by what's happened.

1282
01:07:33,874 --> 01:07:36,749
They really desperately
don't want it to go public.

1283
01:07:37,124 --> 01:07:40,541
So I've been trying to
explain to them that legally,

1284
01:07:40,708 --> 01:07:44,208
there just isn't that much I can
do unless they go to the police

1285
01:07:44,208 --> 01:07:48,416
and they're willing to go forward
with some sort of witness testimony.

1286
01:07:51,708 --> 01:07:55,999
If I am with an intimate partner,
I have merged infused with her.

1287
01:07:55,999 --> 01:07:57,624
Then I start to separate from her.

1288
01:07:57,624 --> 01:08:00,874
I start to separate from her
by becoming her inner critic.

1289
01:08:00,874 --> 01:08:02,583
I supplant her inner critic.

1290
01:08:02,583 --> 01:08:07,166
And so I criticize her, analyze
her, castigate and chastise her.

1291
01:08:07,374 --> 01:08:09,374
So this is my way of pushing her away.

1292
01:08:09,374 --> 01:08:12,291
So I merge and fuze.
Then I begin to cut her off.

1293
01:08:12,708 --> 01:08:15,999
I cut her off partly by
becoming her inner critic.

1294
01:08:15,999 --> 01:08:17,583
Then I discard her.

1295
01:08:18,874 --> 01:08:21,083
It doesn't do the trick for me.

1296
01:08:21,083 --> 01:08:27,124
It's yeah, I feel separated,
but definitely it's adulterated.

1297
01:08:27,124 --> 01:08:29,333
I need a much higher grade of heroin.

1298
01:08:30,333 --> 01:08:31,708
If she dies

1299
01:08:32,749 --> 01:08:34,291
or attempts suicide,

1300
01:08:35,208 --> 01:08:36,958
goes crazy

1301
01:08:38,041 --> 01:08:40,749
or is totally broken,

1302
01:08:41,749 --> 01:08:43,541
like totally,
the separation is much stronger.

1303
01:08:43,541 --> 01:08:45,541
The drug is much more potent,

1304
01:08:46,291 --> 01:08:50,083
and I vicariously experience separation.

1305
01:08:50,499 --> 01:08:54,166
And this is as close as I can
ever get to feeling that I exist.

1306
01:08:56,083 --> 01:08:56,958
So here I am,

1307
01:09:00,624 --> 01:09:02,124
as much the face of

1308
01:09:03,583 --> 01:09:06,874
justice as we can get right now,

1309
01:09:06,874 --> 01:09:10,374
because it's media. No one is going
to do anything about this guy.

1310
01:09:10,374 --> 01:09:13,208
He's going to keep doing what
he's doing unless we expose him.

1311
01:09:13,208 --> 01:09:16,208
And it's the power of the media that
does that, the power of storytelling.

1312
01:09:16,499 --> 01:09:19,666
So, looking at me going
there with a camera

1313
01:09:20,499 --> 01:09:22,499
is absolutely crucial.

1314
01:09:23,708 --> 01:09:26,249
So yeah, I'm feeling so sorry.

1315
01:09:30,458 --> 01:09:33,416
I tell people from the
very off through my work,

1316
01:09:33,583 --> 01:09:35,374
I am a narcissistic psychopath.

1317
01:09:35,374 --> 01:09:38,333
I do what you would
determine to be bad things.

1318
01:09:38,333 --> 01:09:40,458
I'm upfront and honest about it,

1319
01:09:40,458 --> 01:09:43,374
and yet they still believe
that at the heart of it,

1320
01:09:43,374 --> 01:09:45,708
there's a good person
somewhere trying to get out.

1321
01:09:46,041 --> 01:09:47,541
There really isn't.

1322
01:09:47,833 --> 01:09:50,458
I am what you would understand
to be an evil person,

1323
01:09:50,458 --> 01:09:53,124
and I haven't got a shred
of redemption about me.

1324
01:09:53,124 --> 01:09:55,874
I'm unapologetic for that.
I'm being clear about it.

1325
01:09:55,874 --> 01:09:58,041
And yet you still believe to the contrary.

1326
01:09:58,291 --> 01:10:00,333
And you call us the deluded ones.

1327
01:10:04,749 --> 01:10:07,583
I don't think people like the idea that

1328
01:10:07,916 --> 01:10:11,166
evil is walking not only amongst them,

1329
01:10:11,166 --> 01:10:13,916
but might be sleeping next to them, and

1330
01:10:13,916 --> 01:10:15,624
may be their next-door neighbor.

1331
01:10:15,624 --> 01:10:18,958
We're encouraged to think
in this childish way

1332
01:10:18,958 --> 01:10:20,958
that everybody's of good intent.

1333
01:10:20,958 --> 01:10:22,874
People don't do this kind of thing.

1334
01:10:22,874 --> 01:10:24,083
It's not a Disney movie.

1335
01:10:24,083 --> 01:10:26,833
Everything doesn't work
out okay in the real world.

1336
01:10:26,833 --> 01:10:29,041
Catastrophes are real, tragedies are real.

1337
01:10:29,041 --> 01:10:30,458
The good guys don't always win.

1338
01:10:30,583 --> 01:10:32,833
People tend to believe
in the best in people.

1339
01:10:32,833 --> 01:10:35,874
They tend to believe that
they're not lying to them.

1340
01:10:35,874 --> 01:10:38,708
Especially if you're not
lying to other people.

1341
01:10:40,499 --> 01:10:42,416
And therefore when they are duped or

1342
01:10:42,416 --> 01:10:46,624
they find out that
they've been manipulated.

1343
01:10:46,624 --> 01:10:47,791
It's shocking.

1344
01:10:51,499 --> 01:10:52,666
There is beauty.

1345
01:10:53,208 --> 01:10:56,333
There is aesthetics in
destroying another human being,

1346
01:10:57,041 --> 01:10:58,583
in penetrating,

1347
01:10:59,249 --> 01:11:01,041
in rearranging the furniture,

1348
01:11:01,041 --> 01:11:02,458
the mental furniture,

1349
01:11:02,874 --> 01:11:04,666
and taking over her mind

1350
01:11:05,499 --> 01:11:07,208
and doing with it as you please.

1351
01:11:07,541 --> 01:11:09,166
There is an infinite power

1352
01:11:09,624 --> 01:11:11,708
in eradicating another person.

1353
01:11:12,708 --> 01:11:13,999
Godlike power.

1354
01:11:14,333 --> 01:11:16,833
It's intoxicating. Of course.

1355
01:11:21,458 --> 01:11:25,041
So I have added him on social media,

1356
01:11:25,041 --> 01:11:28,333
and I've written to him,
and seeing that I saw him on a show

1357
01:11:28,333 --> 01:11:32,416
with a big UK television
presenter, interviewing him.

1358
01:11:32,416 --> 01:11:36,083
So I've arranged to
meet with him on Monday.

1359
01:11:36,083 --> 01:11:37,124
That's in two days time.

1360
01:11:40,958 --> 01:11:42,083
The email.

1361
01:11:42,083 --> 01:11:44,249
It's so interesting to look at this,

1362
01:11:44,249 --> 01:11:46,249
because they start off quite formal.

1363
01:11:46,249 --> 01:11:50,499
However, once it seems
that I'm actually going

1364
01:11:51,124 --> 01:11:54,208
to be there, that's when I'm noticing
slight shifts in the language.

1365
01:11:54,208 --> 01:11:55,624
It's more informal.

1366
01:11:55,958 --> 01:11:58,999
Good afternoon Isla, please call me Sam.

1367
01:11:58,999 --> 01:12:01,833
Oh, because I've been
calling him Professor,

1368
01:12:02,083 --> 01:12:05,708
so I believe that I am now being groomed.

1369
01:12:06,874 --> 01:12:08,749
I am the next target.

1370
01:12:13,499 --> 01:12:16,958
I don't want him to harm another woman.

1371
01:12:17,333 --> 01:12:19,333
He needs to be stopped.

1372
01:12:29,583 --> 01:12:32,041
Here we go. No going back now.

1373
01:12:36,833 --> 01:12:39,708
We're very tight to catch
the flight to Croatia.

1374
01:12:41,249 --> 01:12:42,083
Okay,

1375
01:12:42,083 --> 01:12:42,916
found it.

1376
01:12:43,374 --> 01:12:45,958
I´m just praying this
isn't a wasted journey.

1377
01:12:57,999 --> 01:12:59,291
We've made it.

1378
01:12:59,874 --> 01:13:01,083
Three flights.

1379
01:13:02,083 --> 01:13:04,999
Pretty tight connections,
and all the equipment arrived.

1380
01:13:05,499 --> 01:13:06,374
Thank you.

1381
01:13:06,374 --> 01:13:06,999
Ok?

1382
01:13:06,999 --> 01:13:07,583
Yes.

1383
01:13:08,166 --> 01:13:09,041
Great.

1384
01:13:18,791 --> 01:13:20,833
I've no idea what's
going to happen tomorrow,

1385
01:13:20,833 --> 01:13:23,583
but I do feel a huge
sense of responsibility,

1386
01:13:24,208 --> 01:13:26,583
I'm a representative
for all of the victims.

1387
01:13:27,208 --> 01:13:29,583
I have no doubt in my mind
that he's a very bad man,

1388
01:13:30,249 --> 01:13:31,166
a very bad man.

1389
01:13:37,208 --> 01:13:41,999
So this is the location that we're going
to be doing the interview tomorrow.

1390
01:13:42,958 --> 01:13:45,374
Anyway, I'm looking at the graffiti:

1391
01:13:45,583 --> 01:13:47,291
"I keep my hair tied.

1392
01:13:47,958 --> 01:13:51,124
I've got my wings to carry me."

1393
01:14:17,249 --> 01:14:19,833
He said, Yeah. E.T.A. seven minutes.

1394
01:14:20,583 --> 01:14:21,874
You guys stay here.

1395
01:14:21,874 --> 01:14:22,874
You go down, right?

1396
01:14:23,416 --> 01:14:25,374
Oh, God. It's freezing.

1397
01:14:33,208 --> 01:14:34,208
He's over there.

1398
01:14:34,208 --> 01:14:35,833
He's behind us. Yeah, he's over there.

1399
01:14:35,833 --> 01:14:37,541
That's him. He's behind us.

1400
01:14:39,249 --> 01:14:40,333
Hello!

1401
01:14:41,583 --> 01:14:43,124
We finally meet.

1402
01:14:43,124 --> 01:14:44,833
How are you? Isla.

1403
01:14:47,083 --> 01:14:48,749
All right, we're going in here.

1404
01:14:54,083 --> 01:14:55,374
In we go.

1405
01:14:55,999 --> 01:14:56,958
Here we go.

1406
01:14:56,958 --> 01:14:58,249
Oh, great space.

1407
01:14:58,249 --> 01:14:59,333
Yeah.

1408
01:14:59,333 --> 01:15:00,083
Hello.

1409
01:15:00,083 --> 01:15:01,499
This is Professor Vaknin.

1410
01:15:01,499 --> 01:15:02,333
I'm Sam.

1411
01:15:20,624 --> 01:15:24,583
Professor Vaknin.
It's a pleasure to be with you, finally.

1412
01:15:24,916 --> 01:15:27,458
And my first question,
which is a huge one, which is,

1413
01:15:27,458 --> 01:15:32,291
Do narcissists ever feel remorse

1414
01:15:32,583 --> 01:15:36,208
for what they've done to their victims?

1415
01:15:36,208 --> 01:15:37,874
Do they ever feel remorse?

1416
01:15:38,708 --> 01:15:43,083
Very few narcissists would
perceive other people as victims.

1417
01:15:43,083 --> 01:15:46,124
The majority of narcissists
would self-victimize.

1418
01:15:46,124 --> 01:15:48,666
Would assume a victim identity.

1419
01:15:48,958 --> 01:15:50,833
They would reframe the situation,

1420
01:15:50,833 --> 01:15:52,666
they create a new narrative

1421
01:15:52,666 --> 01:15:55,749
where this might have been,
for example, inevitable

1422
01:15:56,124 --> 01:15:57,208
or provoked.

1423
01:15:57,458 --> 01:15:58,499
They would say:

1424
01:15:59,041 --> 01:16:02,958
"I abused her because she
needs to wake up to reality.

1425
01:16:02,958 --> 01:16:05,208
This is tough love, you know?"

1426
01:16:05,208 --> 01:16:06,499
That's why I abuse her.

1427
01:16:07,333 --> 01:16:08,583
That's why I criticize her.

1428
01:16:08,583 --> 01:16:09,833
That's why I denigrate her.

1429
01:16:09,833 --> 01:16:11,458
Because that's the only
way to wake her up,

1430
01:16:11,624 --> 01:16:13,124
and she must face reality.

1431
01:16:13,124 --> 01:16:15,916
Otherwise she would be taken
advantage of. I'm protecting her.

1432
01:16:16,458 --> 01:16:19,333
They would claim
victimhood in the situation

1433
01:16:19,833 --> 01:16:23,041
and may end up, for example,
sexually assaulting someone.

1434
01:16:23,374 --> 01:16:26,958
Would they view it as sexual assault?
or would they view it as...

1435
01:16:26,958 --> 01:16:27,791
Yes...

1436
01:16:27,791 --> 01:16:30,458
Or would they know the difference
between right and wrong?

1437
01:16:30,458 --> 01:16:33,541
Yes, as far as, they would reframe it.
They would say, my assault

1438
01:16:33,708 --> 01:16:35,749
is justified because
she has been teasing me

1439
01:16:35,749 --> 01:16:38,624
or provoking me or
misleading me or whatever.

1440
01:16:38,833 --> 01:16:40,999
That's a due punishment.

1441
01:16:40,999 --> 01:16:44,458
Or maybe she's been stupid enough
to invite me to her hotel room.

1442
01:16:44,708 --> 01:16:47,499
She deserves it. She had it coming, etc.

1443
01:16:47,499 --> 01:16:50,416
So there's a lot of
justification narratives.

1444
01:16:51,458 --> 01:16:54,124
How do narcissists react if...

1445
01:16:54,749 --> 01:16:57,833
they're exposed, called out, or found out?

1446
01:16:58,458 --> 01:17:00,458
The most likely reaction,

1447
01:17:00,458 --> 01:17:03,458
the narcissist would devalue
the source of the exposure.

1448
01:17:03,708 --> 01:17:07,708
So if you were to expose the narcissist,
criticize the narcissist,

1449
01:17:07,708 --> 01:17:09,291
disagree with the narcissist

1450
01:17:09,958 --> 01:17:11,374
or attack the narcissist,

1451
01:17:11,499 --> 01:17:13,833
So, now he's skinless.

1452
01:17:14,083 --> 01:17:15,583
There's no firewall.

1453
01:17:15,583 --> 01:17:17,083
He's in direct touch with reality.

1454
01:17:17,083 --> 01:17:18,416
He cannot deny anymore that,

1455
01:17:18,874 --> 01:17:22,999
having considered himself a
genius, he's actually an idiot.

1456
01:17:22,999 --> 01:17:25,958
Having considered himself accomplished,
he's actually a failure.

1457
01:17:25,958 --> 01:17:27,624
He cannot deny this anymore.

1458
01:17:27,624 --> 01:17:29,208
All the defenses crumble

1459
01:17:29,541 --> 01:17:31,624
and he's left face to face

1460
01:17:31,624 --> 01:17:33,583
with this internal monster.

1461
01:17:33,874 --> 01:17:34,583
The shame.

1462
01:17:35,083 --> 01:17:36,874
The shame is overwhelming.

1463
01:17:37,083 --> 01:17:40,166
You force him to face reality.

1464
01:17:41,083 --> 01:17:43,749
He resents it, his defenses emerge

1465
01:17:44,291 --> 01:17:45,291
and he attacks you.

1466
01:17:45,999 --> 01:17:48,291
You're an abuser. You're victimizing me.

1467
01:17:48,624 --> 01:17:50,541
It would devalue your morality,

1468
01:17:50,708 --> 01:17:53,874
your conduct or misconduct
or attributed misconduct.

1469
01:17:53,874 --> 01:17:55,708
It would say you are a bad person.

1470
01:17:55,708 --> 01:17:57,333
That's why you're behaving this way.

1471
01:17:57,916 --> 01:17:59,041
So he would demonize you.

1472
01:18:00,124 --> 01:18:04,499
But we do need to be aware,
because narcissists are dangerous.

1473
01:18:04,833 --> 01:18:08,041
I would strongly advise against
having sympathy for narcissists,

1474
01:18:09,333 --> 01:18:11,166
under any pretext.

1475
01:18:11,166 --> 01:18:15,833
And so, I think we should
judge other people by

1476
01:18:16,124 --> 01:18:17,916
the consequences of their actions,

1477
01:18:18,749 --> 01:18:21,749
and their ability to control
and modulate their behavior

1478
01:18:21,749 --> 01:18:23,374
and their willingness to do so.

1479
01:18:23,749 --> 01:18:26,249
Narcissists are seriously dangerous.

1480
01:18:26,249 --> 01:18:27,333
It's really bad.

1481
01:18:27,833 --> 01:18:28,666
Really bad.

1482
01:18:28,958 --> 01:18:30,916
In a sense, it's a form of psychosis,

1483
01:18:31,208 --> 01:18:32,708
and many things are affected.

1484
01:18:33,208 --> 01:18:35,249
But one of the things that's not affected

1485
01:18:35,749 --> 01:18:38,208
is the ability to tell right from wrong.

1486
01:18:38,874 --> 01:18:40,291
The ability to choose.

1487
01:18:40,833 --> 01:18:43,708
The narcissist, for example,
is fully, fully aware

1488
01:18:43,999 --> 01:18:46,374
of his or her actions

1489
01:18:46,374 --> 01:18:49,083
and the impacts that his actions
would have on other people,

1490
01:18:49,083 --> 01:18:50,666
but he couldn't care less.

1491
01:18:52,708 --> 01:18:57,083
So, are you aware of the bad
that you have done in your life?

1492
01:18:57,624 --> 01:19:01,208
My private life is out of bounds,
as I thought we had an agreement on...

1493
01:19:01,208 --> 01:19:02,874
Oh yeah, yeah.

1494
01:19:03,333 --> 01:19:05,999
But, I'm talking about,
you know, professionally.

1495
01:19:07,249 --> 01:19:08,416
Are you aware?

1496
01:19:08,416 --> 01:19:09,874
Are narcissists aware?

1497
01:19:09,874 --> 01:19:13,249
No, you as... in your profession.

1498
01:19:13,249 --> 01:19:14,708
So, you are talking about my private life.

1499
01:19:14,708 --> 01:19:17,083
I thought we had

1500
01:19:17,083 --> 01:19:18,666
an understanding not to
include my private life.

1501
01:19:18,666 --> 01:19:21,708
Because I do. I do have
to ask about your work.

1502
01:19:21,708 --> 01:19:22,833
My work has nothing to do...

1503
01:19:22,833 --> 01:19:25,583
As a professional and taking advantage

1504
01:19:25,874 --> 01:19:30,166
of victims through your role,
through your profession.

1505
01:19:30,166 --> 01:19:35,624
What I have seen is hundreds
and hundreds of documents

1506
01:19:36,124 --> 01:19:39,624
which have been shown to me,
including photographic evidence

1507
01:19:39,958 --> 01:19:41,874
of harm that you have done to victims,

1508
01:19:41,999 --> 01:19:45,041
to therapy patients,

1509
01:19:45,041 --> 01:19:47,833
and you, in your professional
role, taking advantage of them,

1510
01:19:48,791 --> 01:19:51,041
impacting them psychologically

1511
01:19:51,041 --> 01:19:54,708
and abusing them, sexually coercing them,

1512
01:19:55,041 --> 01:19:59,166
and knowingly infecting them with HPV...

1513
01:19:59,374 --> 01:20:02,208
I'm actually unaware of this...

1514
01:20:02,208 --> 01:20:03,624
Sleep deprivation,

1515
01:20:03,624 --> 01:20:05,874
contracts of behavior...

1516
01:20:05,874 --> 01:20:09,458
I have been shown this,
and I need to ask you about that.

1517
01:20:10,208 --> 01:20:13,499
I'm sorry. This is outside the
confines of what we have agreed.

1518
01:20:13,499 --> 01:20:16,124
Do you know that you've
done wrong to these women?

1519
01:20:16,124 --> 01:20:19,083
I'm sorry, but we have agreed
not to discuss my private life.

1520
01:20:19,083 --> 01:20:22,999
And of course, I have not done
wrong to anyone, as far as I know.

1521
01:20:23,333 --> 01:20:27,999
So if we were to look through
the documents and photographs

1522
01:20:27,999 --> 01:20:30,749
that you've had sexual
relationships or sexual...

1523
01:20:30,749 --> 01:20:33,749
We've had an agreement not
to discuss my private life.

1524
01:20:33,749 --> 01:20:35,624
It's not private. It's your job.

1525
01:20:35,624 --> 01:20:36,708
It's your profession.

1526
01:20:36,708 --> 01:20:39,499
You're a therapist, and you have vulnerable
patients that come to you for help...

1527
01:20:39,499 --> 01:20:41,499
I'm not a therapist.
I'm a Professor of Psychology.

1528
01:20:41,499 --> 01:20:44,458
You work in that role as
a counselor for women.

1529
01:20:44,458 --> 01:20:46,208
If you persist with this
line of questioning,

1530
01:20:46,458 --> 01:20:48,333
in contravention of what we've agreed...

1531
01:20:48,499 --> 01:20:50,458
It's not contravention because it's my...

1532
01:20:50,458 --> 01:20:51,499
It's contravention...

1533
01:20:51,499 --> 01:20:53,416
It's my duty as a professional

1534
01:20:54,208 --> 01:20:56,416
to look at how you conduct yourself

1535
01:20:56,416 --> 01:20:59,374
as a professional, and I need
to address that with you.

1536
01:20:59,833 --> 01:21:01,124
But that's not the topic
we'd agreed to discuss.

1537
01:21:01,124 --> 01:21:05,333
Do you feel bad for what
you've done to these women?

1538
01:21:05,333 --> 01:21:06,999
I'm not going to discuss...

1539
01:21:06,999 --> 01:21:09,458
When they come to you and they're
broken, and they need help.

1540
01:21:09,458 --> 01:21:11,458
You think you deserve to be in jail?

1541
01:21:11,458 --> 01:21:14,624
I'm available to continue to talk to you
on narcissistic personality disorder.

1542
01:21:14,624 --> 01:21:16,499
As an expert on the topic.

1543
01:21:16,749 --> 01:21:18,458
Do you think you deserve...

1544
01:21:18,458 --> 01:21:19,999
If you wish, and if you don't, then.

1545
01:21:19,999 --> 01:21:22,249
To be brought to court
for what you've done.

1546
01:21:23,166 --> 01:21:25,916
Is there anything that you would
want to say to these women?

1547
01:21:26,124 --> 01:21:26,624
Look, Isla,

1548
01:21:26,791 --> 01:21:29,541
I suggest that we terminate...

1549
01:21:30,958 --> 01:21:31,666
just...

1550
01:21:32,499 --> 01:21:33,458
How do we close this?

1551
01:21:33,916 --> 01:21:37,208
Are you denying what I'm asking you, Sam?

1552
01:21:40,708 --> 01:21:45,166
As a professional, it's my job
and my duty to do my due diligence.

1553
01:21:45,166 --> 01:21:48,624
I will show you my
photos with the clients.

1554
01:21:49,958 --> 01:21:52,958
He didn't use any sexual
coercion with them.

1555
01:21:52,958 --> 01:21:56,666
Lydia, you're very wrong in
what you're saying right now.

1556
01:21:58,749 --> 01:22:00,124
Don't participate.

1557
01:22:03,583 --> 01:22:05,458
You're right of course,

1558
01:22:05,958 --> 01:22:08,458
but we had an agreement as to
the topics of the interview.

1559
01:22:08,458 --> 01:22:09,749
But it's not personal.

1560
01:22:09,749 --> 01:22:10,874
It is personal.

1561
01:22:10,874 --> 01:22:11,708
It's professional.

1562
01:22:11,708 --> 01:22:13,583
But I can't have someone as a...

1563
01:22:13,583 --> 01:22:14,666
And this is unethical
behavior on your part.

1564
01:22:15,124 --> 01:22:16,333
But I disagree.

1565
01:22:16,333 --> 01:22:17,958
You could have written to me.

1566
01:22:17,958 --> 01:22:20,249
Listen, this is what I
would like to discuss.

1567
01:22:20,249 --> 01:22:22,874
And then I would have agreed or disagreed.

1568
01:22:22,874 --> 01:22:27,541
But to spring it as a truth,
it's a kind of trap,

1569
01:22:27,874 --> 01:22:29,833
that is extremely unethical behavior.

1570
01:22:29,833 --> 01:22:31,874
And you should know
that as a documentarist.

1571
01:22:34,999 --> 01:22:36,333
I disagree.

1572
01:22:36,333 --> 01:22:39,833
I think what I've seen is unethical

1573
01:22:40,124 --> 01:22:41,333
and damaging and criminal...

1574
01:22:41,333 --> 01:22:42,291
Did you see it yourself?

1575
01:22:42,833 --> 01:22:43,541
I have...

1576
01:22:43,541 --> 01:22:44,291
Can you send it to me?

1577
01:22:44,291 --> 01:22:45,916
I have been shown.

1578
01:22:47,416 --> 01:22:50,791
Things will unfold in a proper manner.

1579
01:23:31,458 --> 01:23:34,458
To spring it as a trap

1580
01:23:34,458 --> 01:23:36,208
that is extremely unethical behavior

1581
01:23:36,208 --> 01:23:38,416
and you should know
that as a documentarist.

1582
01:23:39,333 --> 01:23:40,541
He's very, very angry,

1583
01:23:41,166 --> 01:23:42,249
very angry and

1584
01:23:42,833 --> 01:23:43,874
scared

1585
01:23:44,541 --> 01:23:46,083
and a little bit in shock.

1586
01:23:46,249 --> 01:23:49,791
But he wanted to frame it as
you had committed a moral wrong.

1587
01:23:49,791 --> 01:23:53,833
Him abusing women, having sex
with them, manipulating them,

1588
01:23:53,833 --> 01:23:56,291
trying to persuade them to kill
themselves, sleep deprivation.

1589
01:23:56,291 --> 01:23:58,333
That's his personal life.
That's not immoral.

1590
01:23:58,333 --> 01:24:01,374
You asking questions about
that is what's immoral.

1591
01:24:01,374 --> 01:24:04,499
Which when people see this who've been
the victims of narcissistic abuse.

1592
01:24:04,499 --> 01:24:04,874
Yeah...

1593
01:24:04,874 --> 01:24:06,499
They'll resonate with that...

1594
01:24:06,499 --> 01:24:07,208
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1595
01:24:07,208 --> 01:24:08,208
That's what's immoral.

1596
01:24:08,208 --> 01:24:10,541
You're being immoral by
asking me, not what I did.

1597
01:24:10,541 --> 01:24:13,083
The argument of, oh, this is personal.

1598
01:24:13,083 --> 01:24:14,083
No, it's not.

1599
01:24:14,083 --> 01:24:18,041
He is being paid to provide
counseling therapy...

1600
01:24:18,041 --> 01:24:18,874
So he's offered therapy.

1601
01:24:18,874 --> 01:24:20,874
He specifically uses the word therapy.

1602
01:24:20,874 --> 01:24:23,708
He's used it multiple times.
He can't weasel his way out of that.

1603
01:24:24,124 --> 01:24:25,958
He can try and claim it wasn't therapy.

1604
01:24:25,958 --> 01:24:27,958
He can try and claim
it's nobody's business.

1605
01:24:27,958 --> 01:24:29,958
It absolutely is in the public interest.

1606
01:24:29,958 --> 01:24:31,249
Yeah, he is fucked.

1607
01:24:36,083 --> 01:24:39,749
I went out there,
and throughout the interview,

1608
01:24:40,833 --> 01:24:44,666
he almost admits or explains
every single thing that he's done.

1609
01:24:45,333 --> 01:24:48,083
He even talks about rape
and sexual assault.

1610
01:24:48,083 --> 01:24:50,833
Is it your greatest hope
that he ends up in jail?

1611
01:24:50,833 --> 01:24:52,749
What I really would like

1612
01:24:52,749 --> 01:24:55,249
is that not a single woman anymore

1613
01:24:55,249 --> 01:24:57,916
would end up being his victim.

1614
01:24:58,166 --> 01:25:02,291
So my biggest dream is that
he doesn't have any access to

1615
01:25:02,291 --> 01:25:04,916
any woman anymore in his life.

1616
01:25:04,916 --> 01:25:08,166
But knowing how compulsive the fucker is,

1617
01:25:08,166 --> 01:25:10,541
knowing how deceptive he is,

1618
01:25:10,541 --> 01:25:13,791
the best way to keep him
away from people would

1619
01:25:13,791 --> 01:25:15,916
of course be if he goes to jail.

1620
01:25:16,166 --> 01:25:20,416
You paid him to be a professional.

1621
01:25:22,041 --> 01:25:24,708
And he completely took advantage of you.

1622
01:25:34,333 --> 01:25:38,833
The reason I think it's so difficult
for men to speak out against abuse

1623
01:25:38,833 --> 01:25:41,374
from a female narcissist is because

1624
01:25:41,374 --> 01:25:43,458
we have this stigma as men that

1625
01:25:43,458 --> 01:25:46,083
we are supposed to be strong and tough.

1626
01:25:46,083 --> 01:25:49,333
We're not supposed to show our emotions,
we're not supposed to be weak.

1627
01:25:49,333 --> 01:25:52,333
And so I think for a lot of men,
it's very difficult to admit that

1628
01:25:52,958 --> 01:25:54,541
they can be abused.

1629
01:25:56,958 --> 01:26:00,499
But I want everyone to know
that abuse has no gender.

1630
01:26:00,708 --> 01:26:01,708
It's okay to come out.

1631
01:26:01,708 --> 01:26:05,208
It's okay to be emotional about
it or be vulnerable about it.

1632
01:26:05,208 --> 01:26:07,041
You know, there is a light
at the end of the tunnel.

1633
01:26:08,041 --> 01:26:09,583
That grief process.

1634
01:26:09,583 --> 01:26:13,458
It's very real for people
going through that revelation

1635
01:26:13,458 --> 01:26:15,374
and then that resurrection, if you will.

1636
01:26:15,374 --> 01:26:18,833
To me, there's nothing more beautiful
than a survivor of narcissistic abuse.

1637
01:26:18,833 --> 01:26:23,124
It inserts this really gorgeous,
rich poetry into a person.

1638
01:26:23,124 --> 01:26:27,708
For them to have gone through something
like that and still be standing.

1639
01:26:27,708 --> 01:26:31,874
I believe survivors of narcissistic
abuse who make it to the other side are

1640
01:26:31,874 --> 01:26:34,166
actually the most interesting
people in the room.

1641
01:26:58,041 --> 01:27:00,041
It's weird. Any time I go back

1642
01:27:00,041 --> 01:27:02,208
to the places where things happened.

1643
01:27:02,208 --> 01:27:05,458
Like just looking over there and
seeing the balcony where we first met.

1644
01:27:05,458 --> 01:27:09,624
And you know, I'm only a few houses away,
but it's just a lifetime away.

1645
01:27:09,624 --> 01:27:13,333
I think for so long I didn't come forward because
of everything that could happen, you know?

1646
01:27:13,708 --> 01:27:18,583
And then once you rip the
band-aid off and all the things

1647
01:27:19,374 --> 01:27:22,416
you were worried about happening do
happen, the retaliation, the blackmail,

1648
01:27:22,874 --> 01:27:25,583
all of it, the smear campaign.
But you're still standing

1649
01:27:26,208 --> 01:27:31,458
and nothing's ever going to break you
as much as you were broken before.

1650
01:27:31,708 --> 01:27:33,708
You know, I can't take
back what happened to me.

1651
01:27:33,708 --> 01:27:35,583
But, you know, I might be
able to help somebody else,

1652
01:27:36,374 --> 01:27:39,208
you know, maybe get there
before somebody else does.

1653
01:27:40,083 --> 01:27:41,166
That'll be nice.

1654
01:27:44,083 --> 01:27:47,874
We are in a pandemic of
pathological narcissism.

1655
01:27:47,874 --> 01:27:50,416
We should start educating the public

1656
01:27:50,416 --> 01:27:52,416
about their existence

1657
01:27:52,416 --> 01:27:54,958
and how much damage they can cause.

1658
01:27:54,958 --> 01:27:59,874
The perplexity, the suffering,
and destruction they can reap

1659
01:28:00,124 --> 01:28:03,624
upon society is far greater than perhaps

1660
01:28:03,624 --> 01:28:05,791
all the other mental disorders combined.

1661
01:28:07,374 --> 01:28:10,041
You only have to look at
the idols of our culture,

1662
01:28:10,041 --> 01:28:12,208
the most important people in our culture,

1663
01:28:12,208 --> 01:28:15,708
to see that only a highly narcissistic and
psychopathic culture would support them.

1664
01:28:15,708 --> 01:28:18,958
It's not the narcissists
or the psychopaths

1665
01:28:18,958 --> 01:28:21,958
that are the problem. It's the rest of
us who follow them, who listen to them.

1666
01:28:23,999 --> 01:28:27,291
The world is presently
overrun by this phenomenon,

1667
01:28:27,291 --> 01:28:29,208
and more and more toxic people

1668
01:28:29,208 --> 01:28:31,458
are running more and more of the show,

1669
01:28:31,458 --> 01:28:35,333
causing more and more harm to
everybody else in the population.

1670
01:28:48,249 --> 01:28:52,249
If you want to look at all of the
various ills of the world in terms of

1671
01:28:52,249 --> 01:28:55,458
war, greed,
the trafficking of individuals,

1672
01:28:55,458 --> 01:28:57,208
the destruction of the environment,

1673
01:28:57,499 --> 01:29:00,541
then invariably behind
it is one of our kind.

1674
01:29:01,874 --> 01:29:04,624
So long as the normals and the empaths

1675
01:29:04,624 --> 01:29:06,124
remain unaware

1676
01:29:06,124 --> 01:29:08,874
of narcissists moving in their midst,

1677
01:29:09,666 --> 01:29:12,208
then we will prevail.